Online Game: I Turn Monsters Into Food 10,000x Buffs

"Not just an opportunity," Liam corrected, his red eyes intense. "A necessity."

The King Lich raised both arms, and the very air grew cold as death magic gathered. "I WILL SHOW YOU THE TRUE MEANING OF—"

"NOW!" Liam shouted, and the party moved with skilful coordination, even though they had just practised just once outside.

Rogue launched himself off a pile of rubble, tossing a pouch to Elizabeth midair. "Catch the garnish, Princess!"

She didn’t aim for the heart. She drove her rapier into the salt-fractures Liam had hammered into the Lich’s ribcage two rotations ago, and the pouch burst on impact.

A cloud of dried basil exploded into the Lich’s chest cavity.

The King Lich made a sound, a cough, maybe, Dry and rattling and deeply confused, which shouldn’t have been possible for a creature without lungs.

"IS THIS... HERBS?" The Lich looked down at its own ribcage. "YOU ARE ATTACKING THE LORD OF THE VOID WITH PESTO INGREDIENTS?"

"It’s about layers," Liam said, already moving. The skillet in his hand glowed white-hot. "Peppermint ice is the base. Salt is the tenderiser. Basil is the aromatic."

"Elizabeth, you good?" he asked, not looking at her, looking at the Lich’s exposed sternum.

"I just shoved herbs into a 15ft boss skeleton’s chest cavity." Her pink ears flattened, then perked. "I’m great, this is fine, this is normal life now, I guess."

"Great."

The King Lich roared, looking down at his glowing green-and-white ribs in horror. "WHY DO I FEEL SO REFRESHED?!" What he failed to notice was that his health bar flickered at 30%.

Liam’s eyes darted around the cavernous chamber, taking in the massive pit that the boss had created with its earlier earthquake attack, and rocks and debris littered the edges.

"Rogue, grab those slush piles from the east corner," Liam commanded, already moving toward a pile of rubble. "Elizabeth, get the lemons from my inventory."

"What? lemons?" Elizabeth’s ears twitched in confusion. "We’re in the middle of a-"

"Trust me," Liam’s voice remained calm as he began tossing rocks into the pit. "This is the perfect cooking setup."

The Lich howled, raising skeletal hands to summon another wave of death magic, "YOUR ARROGANCE WILL BE YOUR—"

"Now!" Liam shouted, and the party sprang into action. Rogue slid down the slush-covered incline, pushing the frozen mixture into the pit while Elizabeth rummaged through Liam’s inventory, pulling out carrots, potatoes, and various herbs.

Liam grabbed a torch from his belt and thrust it into the pit. The slush ignited, creating a roaring fire that filled the chamber with heat and light.

The King Lich’s eye sockets widened, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

"Creating a Māori traditional hāngī," Liam explained, as if it were the most normal thing to do. He grabbed a massive rock and hurled it at the Lich’s legs. "Get in the pit."

The Lich stumbled backward, its health bar dropping slightly from the impact. "I AM THE LORD OF THE VOID! I WILL NOT BE COOKED!"

Rogue drove his dagger into the Lich’s kneecap with both hands. "HEALTH INSPECTOR SAYS YOU’RE GOING IN THE PIT."

Topping it off by throwing small explosives that drove the undead king toward the fiery pit. With a final push from Liam’s [Bull Rush] skill, the Lich tumbled into the flames, its skeletal form engulfed in orange and blue.

"Quick, the Toppings!" Liam called out. Elizabeth tossed the produce into the pit, and Liam began hurling large rocks on top of the struggling Lich. "The steam will cook everything evenly."

The chamber shook as the Lich thrashed beneath the stones, causing a minor earthquake. More rocks fell from the ceiling, adding to the makeshift oven.

"YOU CANNOT COOK DEATH!" the Lich’s voice echoed from beneath the rocks. "I AM IMMORTAL!"

"Everyone says that until they’re properly seasoned," Liam replied, sprinkling salt over the top of the pile. He turned to his companions. "We need to wait about twenty minutes for the flavours to meld."

Noir stared at the mound of rocks, from which wisps of steam and the occasional flash of dark magic emerged. "I can’t believe this is working."

"Traditional cooking techniques are effective against most bosses," Liam said, sitting down to watch his creation. "The heat breaks down the magical resistance while the herbs infuse the essence."

The ground beneath them began to rumble more violently. The rocks shifted, and a skeletal hand emerged, clutching at the air.

"I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE, CULINARY FOOL!" the Lich’s voice boomed.

Liam didn’t flinch. He picked up a loose stone, weighed it in his palm, and placed it firmly on the emerging hand. Pressed it back down like he was tucking in a blanket.

"Not yet," Liam said, calmly tossing another rock onto the emerging hand. "You need at least fifteen more minutes to fully absorb the flavours."

Elizabeth stood three feet to his left, arms crossed, trying very hard to look like she wasn’t watching him instead of the cooking pit.

She failed.

"You’re seriously just... sitting there." She shifted her weight, one hip cocked, tail flicking behind her in short, agitated bursts. "While a Lich stews."

"Mm." Liam reached forward and adjusted one of the rocks holding the lid down.

"You..." Noir swallowed. Tried again, "you just told an ancient undead overlord to marinate longer."

"He needs it." Liam glanced up at Noir. Just a glance, red gaze drifting across her face like she was the most normal thing in this hellscape. "You’re flushed, too close to the heat?"

Noir’s jaw worked, her fingers dug into her own biceps. "I’m fine."

"Come sit." He patted the ground beside him.

[TOOL TIP: THE HĀNGĪ PROTOCOL]

The Māori Traditional Hāngī: This is a traditional New Zealand Māori method of cooking food using heated stones buried in a pit oven.

The Construction: Large stones are heated in a fire until they are white-hot, then placed at the bottom of a pit.

The Process: Baskets of food (usually meat and root vegetables like potatoes and carrots) are placed on top of the stones, covered with damp cloths and earth to trap the heat and steam.