Online Game: I Turn Monsters Into Food 10,000x Buffs

To most players, the Tana Forest tree line represented the boundary between safety and the grind. To Liam, it was the entrance to a very large and poorly organised walk-in freezer. Everything was enormous from his current height. Boots stomped past like leather pillars, and cloaks swept over his silver hair like heavy curtains. When someone did glance down at him, he could feel the exact moment their brain short-circuited trying to process a three-and-a-half-foot wolf girl carrying a shield the size of a coffee table. I look like a mascot for a failing blacksmith shop, Liam thought. Also, the centre of gravity on this armour is completely wrong. One hit from the left, and I’m rolling like a discarded beer keg.

His party found him before he found them.

The Rogue was short and stocky, holding his daggers like the trees themselves were planning something. He looked at Liam once, then looked again, slower.

"That’s our frontline?" Rogue said.

Mirra the Healer stepped up beside him, red hair, wooden staff, the general energy of someone who had made a terrible mistake and was only just realising it. She looked down at Liam. Then she looked down again.

"Is it a child?" she whispered.

"No way," Rogue said, crouching to squint at Liam’s visor. "Devs wouldn’t allow that; that’s a lawsuit. Has to be some kind of weird skin."

I am an eighteen-year-old man who can de-bone a duck in twelve seconds, Liam thought, but if playing a mute toddler gets me into this party, I will commit to the bit completely.

He nodded solemnly.

Rogue stood back up. "A silent armoured child-tank. Fantastic. I’m sure this ends brilliantly."

Mirra gripped her staff tighter. "Can you actually hold aggro? We just need someone to take the hits and not die."

[I won’t die], Liam typed.

[Death is a waste of ingredients.]

"...what does that mean?" Mirra asked.

Rogue was already walking. "Doesn’t matter. If it dies, I’m looting the armour."

The forest swallowed the town’s noise within thirty seconds. Light dropped, air cooled, and something unseen rustled in the dark to their left. Mirra moved closer to Rogue. Rogue pretended not to notice.

Liam was thinking about garlic.

"First pull," Rogue muttered, raising a hand. "Let’s see if the child-tank actually works."

Liam didn’t wait. He surged forward and [Bull Rush] sent him crashing into the nearest Rabbit Toad, a creature that looked like someone had combined a jackrabbit and a swamp frog specifically to upset people. It let out a wet choking croak and skidded back hard, health bar dropping sharply.

Rogue followed with his daggers on instinct. The toad collapsed.

[+500 EXP]

Liam walked straight up to the corpse, crouched down, and took a massive crunching bite out of the hind leg.

The forest went completely silent. Even the insects stopped.

"...what?" Rogue whispered.

"WHAT?" Mirra did not whisper.

The [Absorption] skill translated the data into something useful. Gamey, Liam noted internally. High protein density. Needs a garlic rub and a low-temperature sear to break down the connective tissue. Promising.

"YOU CANNOT JUST EAT THE MONSTER," Mirra lunged forward, nearly tripping over her own staff. 𝘧𝑟𝑒𝑒𝘸𝘦𝘣𝑛𝑜𝘷𝑒𝓁.𝘤𝘰𝓂

Rogue dragged a hand down his face. "Is it roleplaying? Should I be streaming this?"

"NO, WE SHOULD BE FINDING ITS PARENTS."

Liam swallowed and checked his panel.

[Absorption Progress: 5/1000]. He looked at the next toad already visible between the trees. The first one was just the appetiser. The second toad went down just as fast. Then it opened its mouth and blasted a thick stream of purple liquid directly into Liam’s face before anyone could warn him.

"POISON—" Mirra screamed.

The liquid hissed across his visor and dripped down his chest plate. Liam stood completely still.

"Why isn’t the child moving?" Rogue asked slowly.

Liam tilted his head, reached up, ran a finger through the purple sludge on his shield, and licked it.

[+15 Poison Resistance]

[+25 Poison Resistance]

Remarkable, he thought. Tart, well-balanced, high citric acid concentration. Fantastic as a dessert glaze.

Mirra had stopped breathing entirely.

[Why does this taste like grape juice?] Liam typed into party chat.

"BAD CHILD," Mirra snapped, healing staff already glowing. "DO NOT DRINK THE MONSTER."

"Stop drinking the monster," Rogue added, backing up two full steps.

Liam licked the shield again. Then the tingling started. His vision blurred, his muscles locked, and his entire body tipped sideways and hit the ground with a sound like a small car crash. Over-absorption, he thought serenely from the dirt. The system is punishing me for my lack of self-control. Fair enough.

"It’s dead," Rogue said, daggers already out of habit.

"IT’S NOT DEAD, I CAN SEE IT BREATHING," Mirra dropped to her knees and started spam-casting heals on him.

A notification floated past Liam’s frozen field of vision.

[Congratulations! You are now permanently immune to all Rabbit Toad poison.]

[Recipe Unlocked: Grape Soda]

He couldn’t move, and he was tasting grape soda, and honestly, things could be worse.

A blur of pink and silver crashed into the clearing. Elizabeth skidded to a stop, took in the scene, and immediately forced a high-grade potion down Liam’s throat with the energy of someone who had rehearsed this exact scenario in her head and was furious it had actually happened.

The paralysis broke. Liam sat up, clanking.

[What are you doing here?] he typed.

"I TRACKED YOUR LOCATION," Elizabeth’s cat tail was fully puffed. "BECAUSE I KNEW YOU’D DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS."

Mirra looked between them with genuine uncertainty. "Is she... his mother?"

Rogue looked at Elizabeth’s gear, looked at her cat ears, and delivered his assessment with complete calm. "Nice milf."

The silence that followed had weight to it.

Elizabeth’s tail hit maximum puff. Liam looked at the warning floating in his panel.

[Warning: Over-Absorption detected. Consume one part per monster only.]

Oops, he thought, completely unbothered. He pushed himself upright, adjusted his helmet, and looked at the darkness between the trees where something much larger than a Rabbit Toad had just moved. King Toad, he thought, mouth already watering. I wonder if it tastes like vintage wine.

He started waddling toward it.

Behind him, Elizabeth was still going. Mirra had started praying to something. Rogue had, correctly, begun streaming.

Liam didn’t look back.

Find a bigger pot, he thought. Everything else can wait.