Online Game: I Turn Monsters Into Food 10,000x Buffs

Jace’s nostrils flared. "You really cook? With actual ingredients? Not just alchemical substitutes?"

Liam nodded. "I’m in the Iron Hearth guild; we have a level 3 hearth there. You should join."

"You JUST met him," Elizabeth asked, her tail swishing in irritation.

"But look at him, he’s just a little guy, and he gets it." Liam pointed out

Jace grinned, "I’m in. I’ve been living off potions and alchemical creations for weeks. My stomach’s forgotten what real food tastes like."

"Then head to the Iron Hearth guild and tell them I sent you, should work, maybe..?"

The letting agent cleared her throat loudly. "If we could return to the matter of housing..."

"Master master! We need a house!" Midnight said, tugging at Liam’s sleeve. "Midnight wants a house for Master’s cooking."

Jace’s eyes lit up. "You’re getting a house? With a kitchen? Count me in!"

"That’s not how this works," Elizabeth growled, obviously being territorial.

Liam looked between them, his expression unchanged. "More people are good, which means we can raid, actually, what if you join our party? Then you can join us?"

"Party and a guild? Do I get housing then?" Jace questioned.

"Yeah, dude, you get housing from the guild, maybe you should stay with Rogue and Mirra and Fridge." Liam pondered aloud.

"What the fuck is Fridge by the way?"

"Oh, that’s a mini lich boss that I use to freeze-dry food with." Liam pointed at Fridge, who was now shaking.

"Oh my god, we can make ice cream!" Jace said, pointing at the letting agent.

The cow woman turned to Liam’s party, her large brown eyes narrowing. "More customers?"

"We need to register a house," Liam said simply, ignoring the tension in the room.

"Fine, ok, a house registration. What’s the address?"

Liam handed her the key. "I don’t know."

Mrs Bovine examined the key, her expression softening slightly. "Ah, the Hearthstone property, the guild acquisition." She looked up at Liam.

Liam nodded. "Yes."

"Wonderful!" Her mood transformed instantly. "Sign here, here, and initial here. The property tax is due monthly, and you’ll need to maintain the garden yourself."

Liam took the pen, his massive fingers dwarfing it. As he signed, he glanced at Jace. "You have hunting skills?"

"Best archer this side of the... ugh, system? fantasy world? game?" Jace boasted, puffing out his chest. "I can get you whatever you need."

When he finished, Mrs Bovine handed him a small crystal.

"Place this in your hearth. It will connect to the city’s magical network for heating and cooking enhancements." Her eyes softened. "And if you ever need fresh milk, just come by my farm outside the east gate."

The letting agent sighed, "and please, for the love of all that’s holy, don’t ask anyone else about their bodily fluids."

Elizabeth’s ears flattened against her head. "This is happening, isn’t it? We’re just adopting random people now."

Midnight beamed. "Midnight loves our family!"

As Liam finished signing, a notification appeared in his HUD.

[ACQUISITION COMPLETE: RIVERFRONT COTTAGE]

[DWELLING BONUS: +10% COOKING EFFICIENCY]

[RESIDENCE CAPACITY: 4 MEMBERS] 𝙛𝓻𝒆𝓮𝒘𝙚𝙗𝒏𝙤𝙫𝓮𝒍.𝓬𝒐𝙢

"Perfect," Liam said, looking at the three people surrounding him, "We have room."

Rogue stepped forward, "Hey, since we’re already here, we need a house too. Do you have one nearby? For me, Mirra, and this new guy, I guess." He gestured vaguely at Jace. "Also, one that comes with a dog house for Fridge."

The miniature lich rolled forward, its bony feet stomping against the ground with audible clicks. "I am NOT a dog!" Fridge’s eye sockets blazed with blue light, runes glowing angrily across its skeletal frame. "I am a powerful lich raid boss! The terror of the Frozen Crypts! The absolute zero of death!"

"I WILL eat you." Liam smiled at the little fridge that started to shake.

"I am a dog." Fridge mumbled.

Mrs Bovine’s ears twitched as she stared at the skeleton.

Mirra sauntered forward, her curvy figure drawing everyone’s attention. "We only need two rooms," she said, glancing at Jace and giving him a slow, deliberate wink. "The boys can share."

Jace’s face flushed red, his fingers fidgeting with the edge of his tunic.

Rogue’s brow furrowed in confusion. "Wait, why would we—"

The letting agent sighed heavily, her cow-like tail swishing behind her. "Okay, I guess." She pulled out another scroll from beneath her desk. "I have a property on Elm Street. Two bedrooms, basic kitchen, no garden. But it’s close to the Riverfront Cottage."

"Perfect," Mirra said, plucking the pen from the agent’s hand and signing with a flourish.

Rogue blinked slowly, still processing the implications of Mirra’s statement. "Wait, are you saying...?"

Midnight tugged at Liam’s sleeve again. "Master, what’s happening? Midnight doesn’t understand."

Liam shrugged his massive shoulders. "They’re figuring out sleeping arrangements. It’s normal."

Elizabeth rolled her eyes so hard her entire head moved with the motion. "This is the weirdest housing transaction I’ve ever witnessed."

The letting agent stamped both documents with a loud thud. "That’ll be twenty gold pieces for the Riverfront Cottage, and fifteen for Elm Street." She looked at Fridge. "The dog house is included at no extra charge."

"I AM NOT A-" Fridge began, but Liam silenced him with a look.

"I’ll pay," Liam said, reaching into his inventory. "Since Jace is joining our guild."

Jace’s eyes widened. "Really? I can help hunt for rare monsters! I know all the best spots around the city."

"See?" Liam nodded to Elizabeth. "Useful."

Counting out gold coins on the counter. The metal clinked softly as the transaction completed.

"Thank you for your business," Mrs Bovine said, her demeanour warming slightly. "If you need anything else, don’t hesitate to ask. Just... please don’t do that again."

"He’s not even listening," Elizabeth muttered under her breath, eyeing Jace with suspicion.

Midnight jumped up and down excitedly. "New friends! New house! Midnight is happy!"

[TOOL TIP]:

Status: Fridge’s Pride: Erased.

The "Little Guy" Recruiting Meta: Liam instantly inducts an unhinged, potion-addled ram alchemist into the guild simply because he understands real seasoning has bypassed Elizabeth’s security protocols completely. The system notes that Jace is calculating immediate [Ice Cream Production] variables using a miniature lich and a cow demi-human, proving his industrial utility.

The Mirra Room-Allocation Shell Game: Mirra securing a two-bedroom lease and ordering the boys to share a bunk while she assumes command of the master suite has left Rogue trapped in a permanent [Loading Error] state. The server confirms that Liam’s assessment of this predatory spatial arrangement as "normal sleeping arrangements" is the most dense tank perspective recorded in the patch history.