Online Game: I Turn Monsters Into Food 10,000x Buffs

The King Lich’s skeletal jaw dropped open, "YOU DARE..." it began, but Berry was already moving, her tiger tail swishing as she launched a bowl of Glow-Moss sea salt at the undead king. It shattered against his ribs, the ethereal blue-green light crawling across bone like luminescent mould.

"Perfect," Liam muttered, his red eyes tracking the salt’s absorption rate. "Now we need to get the basil to..."

The Lich’s rage manifested as a physical force. The ground beneath their feet rippled like quicksand, then buckled upward. The earth screamed as it tore itself apart.

"Earthquake!" Johan bellowed, his massive shield slamming into the ground as the tank braced itself. "Everyone get clear!"

The ground split with a thunderous crack, a chasm ripping open directly beneath Mirra. Her staff clattered sideways, her feet found nothing, arms wheeling, robes catching air, she dropped.

"Mirra!" Liam barked, already moving, but twenty meters of crumbling rock separated them.

A blur of dark fabric. Rogue’s cape snapped behind him like a wing as he launched himself off the edge, one hand catching Mirra’s wrist mid-fall, the other driving a dagger into the cliff face. Steel screamed against stone, their descent jerked, slowed, stopped.

Rogue hung there, one arm stretched taut above him, the dagger buried to the hilt, his entire body a bridge between the cliff and the woman dangling below. His forearm trembled, the tendons in his neck stood rigid, and dust rained down around them.

Mirra’s fingers dug into his wrist. Her other hand found his forearm, gripping hard enough to leave marks through the leather.

"Got you." The word came out strained, half a grunt. His jaw clenched as he hauled her upward, inch by inch, until her knees found the ledge. Then her hip. Then she was on solid ground, and he pulled himself up after, rolling onto his back beside her, chest heaving.

Just breathing. The smell of cracked earth and wet dirt, iron dust hanging between them.

Rogue turned his head.

Mirra was still on her hands and knees, fingers curled into the dirt as she’d never let go of solid ground again. Her robes were torn at the shoulder. A scratch ran along her collarbone, beading red.

He reached over. One finger hooked beneath her chin, tilting her face toward him.

"That’ll be one date," he said, still breathless, grinning with all his teeth. "Or at least a very expensive coffee. I’m talking imported beans. The kind that comes in a bag with a wax seal."

"Hmm." She straightened her torn robes, brushing dirt from her knees. Her fingers fumbled twice on the clasp at her collar. "We’ll see about that."

"That’s not a no."

"That’s a ’you smell like cliff dust and sweat, and I almost died, so my judgment is compromised.’" She pushed hair from her face, tucking it behind her ear, and her gaze dropped to the scratch on his palm where the dagger grip had bitten in. Red and raw. She stared at it too long.

Rogue noticed. He flexed his fingers, casual, turning his palm up like an offering. "Want to kiss it better? Healer’s prerogative."

"I heal with magic, not my mouth."

"Shame."

"You’re an idiot," she said, not looking up "You could have fallen with me," Mirra muttered.

"Then we’d both be dead, and you’d owe me two dates." Rogue winked at her.

Meanwhile, the quake intensified. Elizabeth stumbled, her pink cat ears flattening against her head as she struggled to maintain balance. Noir’s buffing magic flickered, the earthquake disrupting his concentration.

Liam’s instincts took over. He lunged toward Elizabeth, his shield coming up to deflect falling debris. The skillet in his other hand caught a massive stone that would have crushed Noir’s skull.

Clang

"Stay close," he ordered, his voice calm despite the chaos. The shield vibrated under the impact of another boulder, but held.

Berry scrambled toward them, her guardian abilities activating as she placed herself between Liam and the worst of the falling rubble. "My barrier won’t hold much longer!" she shouted over the rumbling.

The King Lich hovered above the destruction, its starlight eyes gleaming with satisfaction. "NOW YOU UNDERSTAND YOUR PLACE IN THE COSMIC ORDER! YOU ARE BUT MORTAL DUST BENEATH MY!"

"Still talking about Santa?" Liam interrupted, glancing at the Lich’s now salt-encrusted ribs. "Because I think we’ve improved the flavour profile significantly."

The Lich’s eye sockets flared with burning rage. "ENOUGH!"

A wave of necrotic energy exploded outward, catching the guild’s mages unprepared. Thirty players, the meat shields, as Liam had affectionately called them, screamed as their health bars plummeted.

"Shield wall!" Johan commanded, and the remaining tanks formed a barrier, but it was clearly insufficient against the Lich’s power.

Elizabeth gripped her sword tighter, her green eyes narrowing with determination. "Liam, I’m going to try something, cover me?"

Liam nodded once, his massive frame positioning itself between her and the Lich. "Always."

The earthquake subsided as quickly as it had begun, leaving the battlefield scarred and uneven. The King Lich descended slowly, its skeletal fingers crackling with dark energy.

"YOU HAVE KEPT ME AMUSED MORTALS, BUT NOW YOU SHALL JOIN MY UNDEAD ARMY", it hissed.

Liam’s eyes never left the Lich’s movements. "Elizabeth, the basil. We need to apply it directly to the peppermint seasoning for proper infusion."

Berry stared at him incredulously. "You’re still thinking about cooking?"

"The Lich’s bones are absorbing the salt," Liam explained simply. "If we can get the basil to penetrate, the flavor will be... exceptional."

Despite everything, Elizabeth found herself smiling. "Only you would see a world-ending threat as a culinary opportunity."

[TOOL TIP: THE AROMATIC APOCALYPSE]

The "Santa" Debuff: Repeatedly calling a three-thousand-year-old Lich "Santa" has caused 15% Mental Instability, leading the Boss to waste mana on dramatic monologues instead of efficient killing.

Rogue’s "Cliff-Hanger" Gambit: Rogue has successfully traded a near-death experience for a potential date with Mirra.

Side Effect: Rogue currently has the [Hero’s Smirk] buff, increasing his Agility but making him 200% more annoying to the rest of the party.