The Scumbag's Guide To Heroism

I’m so fucked.

I’m so fucked.

I’m so fucked.

The thought looped through my head like a broken record as I sat on my bed, still half-naked, staring at the door Sloane had slammed behind her. My heart hammered against my ribs. The scent of sex and expensive perfume hung in the air like evidence at a crime scene.

Diane had just walked in on me balls-deep in her daughter.

Then she’d gotten on her knees and sucked my dick while Sloane watched.

This was bad. This was really, really bad. This was the kind of bad that ended with me getting thrown out of the house and possibly arrested.

A familiar blue interface materialized in front of my face.

〘 HIDDEN QUEST COMPLETE: Caught Red-Handed 〙

Get caught having sex with one woman by another woman in your network.

Reward: 800 SP, +1 Rare Gacha Ticket

Bonus Unlocked: First-time discovery bonus applied.

〘 HIDDEN QUEST COMPLETE: Power Play 〙

Have one woman perform oral sex on you in front of another woman in your network.

Reward: 1,200 SP, +1 Gold Gacha Ticket with Selection Option

Bonus Unlocked: Dominance hierarchy established.

I stared at the notifications, my brain struggling to process what I was seeing.

The System was rewarding me for this disaster.

Of course it was.

〘 Congratulations, Host. Your performance exceeds projections. 〙

"Performance?" I hissed under my breath. "Sloane just found out I’ve been fucking her mother. She’s devastated."

〘 Correction: Subject Sloane Fitzgerald is experiencing emotional volatility consistent with territorial breach and perceived betrayal. Emotional state will stabilize within acceptable parameters once hierarchy is established. 〙

"Hierarchy? What the hell are you talking about?"

〘 Current household dynamic operates on unstable exclusivity model. Subject Sloane believes she possesses sole access to Host. Subject Diane operates under assumption of continued discretion. Both models are incompatible with optimal progression. Establishment of clear hierarchy resolves conflict and increases overall attachment metrics. 〙

I rubbed my face with both hands. "You’re insane. You know that, right? Completely insane."

〘 Host previously demonstrated understanding of multi-target acquisition strategy. Current development represents natural evolution of established pattern. Optimal outcome requires integration rather than separation. 〙

"Integration," I repeated flatly. "You mean convince them to share."

〘 Correct. 〙

"That’s not going to happen. Did you see Sloane’s face? She looked at me like I’d killed her dog."

〘 Initial emotional response is expected. Human attachment operates on perceived exclusivity and trust frameworks. Violation of either produces distress. However, female psychology demonstrates remarkable adaptability when presented with acceptable rationalization and adequate compensation. 〙

I wanted to punch the System. I wanted to reach into the blue text floating in my vision and strangle whatever sentient code was running this nightmare.

"Adequate compensation?" My voice came out strangled. "What kind of compensation makes your girlfriend okay with finding out you’ve been screwing her mom?"

The System didn’t answer immediately. Instead, a new notification appeared.

〘 NEW MAIN QUEST: Keep It In The Family 〙

Convince Diane Fitzgerald and Sloane Fitzgerald to participate in a threesome with you within the next 72 hours.

Reward: 5,000 SP, +1 Epic Gacha Ticket, +25 Reputation with both subjects, Passive Trait Unlock: Family Man,

Bonus Objective: Ensure both subjects achieve climax at least twice during the encounter.

Bonus Reward: +2,500 SP, +10 additional Reputation with both subjects

Failure Penalty: -75 Reputation with Sloane Fitzgerald (relationship terminates), -50 Reputation with Diane Fitzgerald (arrangement terminates), permanent +25% Guilt modifier applied to all future intimate encounters, ejection from Fitzgerald household within 48 hours

Time Limit: 72:00:00

My stomach dropped.

"No," I said. "Absolutely not. I’m not doing that."

〘 Failure to complete quest results in loss of both established relationships, loss of residence, and psychological damage modifier that will impact all future progression. Recommended course of action is quest acceptance and strategic execution. 〙

"Strategic execution? They hate each other right now because of me!"

〘 Incorrect. Subject Sloane is angry at Host and Subject Diane. Subject Diane is experiencing guilt regarding Subject Sloane’s emotional state but maintains desire for Host. Neither subject hates the other. Current emotional state is optimal for resolution through shared experience. 〙

I stood up and paced the room, my mind racing. The Oracle Feed flickered to life in my peripheral vision, displaying information I didn’t ask for.

Sloane Fitzgerald

Temptation Gauge: 84% (Enthralled)

Current Emotional State: Betrayed, angry, hurt, confused

Attachment Vectors: Strong romantic attachment, sexual satisfaction, years of accumulated trust (damaged), fear of abandonment

Probability of Reconciliation (Solo): 67.3%

Probability of Reconciliation (Integrated): 89.1%

Diane Fitzgerald

Temptation Gauge: 60% (DEVOTED)

Current Emotional State: Guilty, aroused, protective, calculating

Attachment Vectors: Maternal instinct (complex), sexual satisfaction, professional investment, emotional fulfillment (unexpected)

Probability of Maintaining Relationship (Solo): 71.2%

Probability of Maintaining Relationship (Integrated): 92.4%

I stared at the numbers. The System was telling me that my chances of keeping both relationships were higher if I convinced them to fuck me together than if I tried to salvage things separately.

That was insane.

That was also exactly the kind of twisted logic the Scumbag System operated on.

"Why?" I asked. "Why would that work better?"

〘 Human psychology operates on perception of fairness and equity. Solo relationship maintenance requires Host to choose between subjects, establishing winner and loser dynamic. Loser dynamic guarantees relationship termination and resentment. Integrated relationship establishes shared access, eliminating competition and transforming conflict into cooperation. Both subjects maintain access to Host. Neither subject loses. Resentment redirects from each other to shared external targets. 〙

I sat back down on the bed, my head in my hands. The worst part was that it made sense. Not moral sense. Not ethical sense. But psychological sense.

If I tried to choose between them, someone lost. If I chose Sloane, Diane would be hurt and our arrangement would end. If I chose Diane, Sloane would be devastated and our relationship would explode. But if they both had access, neither one lost to the other.

It was still completely fucked up.

"How am I supposed to convince them?" I asked. "Sloane just ran out of here crying. Diane is probably comforting her right now. They’re not exactly in the mood to jump into bed together."

〘 Host possesses adequate skills and resources for persuasion. Recommended approach: separate conversations establishing framework, followed by joint conversation establishing mutual benefit, followed by gradual physical escalation with consent verification at each stage. 〙

"That’s your plan? Talk to them separately, then together, then hope they agree to a threesome?"

〘 Success probability with recommended approach: 76.8%. Success probability with alternative approaches: 23.4% average. Host’s upgraded Intelligence and Charisma metrics provide significant advantage. Additionally, passive trait Musk is currently active, increasing receptiveness to Host’s presence. 〙

Right. The pheromone thing I’d pulled from the Gacha last night. Great. Now I was chemically manipulating them on top of everything else.

"This is wrong," I said. "All of this is wrong."

〘 Morality is subjective framework imposed by society to regulate behavior. Host’s current situation exists outside standard social frameworks. Standard morality does not apply. What matters is outcome: preservation of valuable relationships, continuation of progression, emotional satisfaction of all parties involved. 〙

I wanted to argue. I wanted to tell the System that it was a sociopathic piece of code that had no understanding of human emotion or ethics. But the timer had already started counting down in the corner of my vision.

71:58:47

Just under three days to either convince two women who were currently furious with me to have a threesome, or lose everything I’d built in this house over the past two months.

I pulled on a shirt and stood up. My legs felt shaky. My stomach churned with anxiety and something else I didn’t want to examine too closely.

Because the really fucked up part? The part I couldn’t admit even to myself?

A small, dark corner of my brain thought the idea was hot.