The Scumbag's Guide To Heroism

I made my way into the kitchen and immediately got blessed with a beautiful sight.

Sloane Fitzgerald stood at the fridge with her back to me, bent forward slightly as she rummaged through the refrigerator. She was wearing a black sports bra and booty shorts that showed off her peach shaped ass. Her pink ponytail swung as she moved with loose stands falling around her face.

Fuck, those thighs could crush watermelons.

Her ass was... exceptional. It was round and firm, but it still jiggled a little when she shook her left foot on the ground. The scene was so hypnotic I was frozen in the doorway like an absolute idiot.

Don’t stare. Don’t be that guy. You’re better than this.

I wasn’t better than this.

[ORACLE FEED UPDATE]

[Subject: Sloane Fitzgerald]

[Status: Searching for post-workout protein shake]

[Current attire: Minimal]

[Threat assessment: High if she catches you staring]

[Temptation Gauge: 22%]

Thanks for nothing, creepy interface.

Then another notification blazed across my vision, this one different. Bright red text with an obnoxious little peach emoji next to it.

[🎯 NEW SCUMBAG QUEST ISSUED! 🎯]

[HEROINE CANDIDATE DETECTED: Sloane Fitzgerald]

[QUEST: Get That Peach! 🍑]

[OBJECTIVE: Smack Sloane Fitzgerald’s ass within 36 hours]

[REWARD: Beginner’s Gift Pack + 500 System Points]

[FAILURE PENALTY: Host’s manhood reduced by 50%]

[TIME LIMIT: 36:00:00]

I blinked. Read it again. Then read it a third time because surely I was hallucinating.

"What the actual fuck," I whispered.

Sloane straightened up, still facing away from me. "Did you say something?"

"Nope."

She pulled out a protein shake an kicked the door closed with her heel.

Are we deadass? I have to smack her ass or my dick is gonna shrivel like a grape in the sun? Even a titan would become average with that penalty.

[SCUMBAG SYSTEM: Quest refusal will result in automatic penalty acceptance. Timer has begun.]

"No no no," I muttered under my breath. "I refuse. This is insane. You can’t just—"

[⚠️ WARNING: Refusal detected. Penalty will be applied in 5 seconds unless quest is accepted.]

[5...]

[4...]

My hands clenched into fists. This fucking system.

[3...]

’Fine! Fine, I accept! Jesus Christ!’

[2...]

[QUEST ACCEPTED]

[Good luck, Host. You’ll need it. 😊]

Okay, whoever created this system deserved to get punched in the balls multiple times.

Sloane finally turned around, sipping on her protein shake and her blue eyes narrowed when she saw me just standing in the doorway just staring at her like some creep. "How long have you been standing there?"

"I just walked in a second ago."

"Bullshit." She took another sip of her drink. "I could feel you standing there and staring at my ass like a pervert."

Her sports bra was black with a logo I didn’t recognize and had the midriff exposed showing off her abs with a thin sheen of sweat covering her skin, giving her body a glow with the morning light streaming through the kitchen windows.

The booty shorts from the front showed off her thigh gap which I didn’t know if that was better or worse than the view from behind.

"Hey, I wasn’t staring," I said while walking past her to the coffee maker. "You just happened to be in my way to get to the coffee maker."

"So you just waited your turn while staring at my ass."

I grabbed a mug from the cabinet using Lukas’s memories to lead me to the location without needing to search. Damn, muscle memory was a hell of a thing. "Now why would I stare at your ass?"

"Because you’re a guy and it’s there. Don’t play innocent, I know I look good."

She’s got a point.

I poured in coffee from a pot that someone had already made. "Narcissist much? Maybe I was just spacing out."

"Spacing out while staring directly at my ass."

"I wasn’t staring at your ass, Sloane."

"Then what were you staring at?"

The quest timer in the corner of my vision ticked down. 35:58:43. 35:58:42.

I took a sip of coffee. Black, because adding cream seemed like too much effort and Lukas apparently drank it this way. "Nothing. I was thinking about other stuff."

"What stuff?"

"None of your business stuff."

She moved closer, setting her shake down on the counter with a thunk. "You’re acting weird."

"I’m always like this."

"No, you’re not." She crossed her arms under her chest, which made her modest sized breasts look even bigger. "Normally you’d have made some smartass comment by now. Instead you’re just standing there looking like someone hit you with a brick."

[Subject: Sloane Fitzgerald]

[Suspicion level: Elevated]

[Recommended action: Deflect with characteristic sarcasm]

"Maybe I’m becoming a better person. Less smartass, more class."

"You don’t have class."

"I have some class."

"You wear the same hoodie four days in a row."

"I have four identical hoodies."

She snorted at that and finally some of the suspicion in her eyes faded away. Good, the last thing I needed was her to be wary of me.

The quest notification pulsed again, reminding me of its existence like I could somehow forget.

36 hours to smack that ass or lose half my dick.

This was the worst isekai premise in history.