The Scumbag's Guide To Heroism

"Mom’s already on a plane to New York," Sloane said, breaking the silence. "She said she would be back in a week."

"Cool."

"Are you going to make something or just stand there drinking coffee?"

"Coffee is breakfast."

"Coffee isn’t good enough for breakfast dumbass. You’re not an old man."

I Shrugged. "Diane has coffee for breakfast all the time."

"Diane is an old woman, they live by different rules."

"She isn’t—" I started automatically until I realized Lukas didn’t know hold old Diane really was. Apparently it had been a joke between the three of them to try to find out how old their mother really was.

Sloane’s lips curved into a smirk. "According to what I found, she is anywhere from thirty-eight to fifty-seven."

"Wow. glad you narrowed it down so much. Your deductive skills are scary Sloane."

"Tch, shut up."

I took another sip of coffee and watched Sloane over the rim of my mug. Sloane went back to drinking her protein shake. The Temptation Gauge in the corner of my vision was still at 22 percent.

All that means is I had 34 hours to raise that number up and complete a quest that would get me badly wounded if I actually attempted it.

Thanks for the quest system, really feeling like a golden middle finger right now.

"Quit staring at me weirdo." Sloane said without looking at him.

"I’m just thinking."

"About what?"

"If I want to make some toast and jelly to go with my coffee."

"Even an idiot could see you aren’t thinking about that."

No shit! I’m thinking about how I can complete this mission to smack your ass and keep my manhood!

I finished my coffee and cleaned the mug in the sink. "Well, I’m going back to my room now."

"Why? You just got here."

"Yeah and now I’m leaving."

Sloane pushed off the counter and i tried my hardest to not notice how it made her breast jiggle. Task failed spectacularly. "You’re being weird today," she repeated and stepped closer to me. "What’s the matter with you?"

"I feel fantastic."

"Bullshit." Sloane was close enough that I could smell the citrus body spray she used after completing her workouts and see her full luscious lips. "You’ve been off since you came here and spent your time staring at my ass. You had a nightmare or something?"

The concern in her voice under the insults caught me off guard. She actually seemed really worried about me.

Well, about Lukas.

I mean they did live together for nine years and she had a front row seat in seeing Lukas grow from a traumatized eight-year-old into... well whatever her opinion was of Lukas before he took over.

"I didn’t stare at your ass and I’m fine, just a little tired."

"You went to bed early last night though."

"Yeah, had a rough night of sleep."

Sloane studied my face with those beautiful blue eyes of hers searching for something. "You’d let me know if something was wrong, right?"

Shit, would Lukas tell her? Judging from his memories he seems like the type to keep his emotions close to his chest in order to not be a burden to anyone.

"Sure," I lied.

"Liar."

She reached up and flicked my forehead hard enough to sting. "You’re an idiot, you know that?"

"Ow!! What was that for?"

"For being weird and not explaining why." She stepped back, grabbing her shake. "I’m going to shower. Try not to be such a weirdo when I get back."

She walked past me toward the doorway, and the quest timer pulsed again.

35:45:12.

My hand twitched.

The system really wanted me to do this right now with her back turned to me and her juicy ass right there for a smacking.

Absolutely not.

[ORACLE FEED UPDATE]

[Optimal completion window detected]

[Subject is distracted]

[Success probability: 78%]

[Consequence probability: 94%]

That consequence probability seemed more relevant than the success rate.

Sloane paused in the doorway, looking back over her shoulder. "What?"

"Nothing."

"You’re staring again."

"I’m not staring."

"You’re literally staring right now."

She was right, I was staring directly at her ass.

This was bad.

"Just admiring the scenery," I said before my brain could stop my mouth.

Her eyes went wide. "What did you just say?"

Oh. Oh no. That came out wrong. Very wrong.

"The kitchen," I clarified quickly. "The kitchen scenery. Nice counters. Good lighting."

"You weren’t looking at the counters, Lukas."

"The floor then. Great tiles."

"Try again."

It felt like the temperature in the kitchen dropped about fifteen degrees despite being at 72 degrees. Sloane fully turned around, planting her hands on her hips.

"Elaborate about what you meant by that." Her voice had gone lower.

Lukas had heard that tone before. It usually came right before Sloane either literally or figuratively exploded at someone depending on how much they pissed her off.

"I didn’t mean anything by it." I said carefully. "It was just a quote I found on the internet and repeated without thinking."

"You don’t say things without thinking, dumbass. You never have."

"Maybe this is character growth for me."

"Growing into a pervert?"

"I’m not a pervert."

"Then why are you staring at my ass like one!?"

35:43:55.

"I’ve already said I wasn’t staring at your ass!" I replied, matching her energy.

"And I’m saying you’re full of shit!"

"Maybe stop being so self-conscious!"

"I’M NOT SELF-CONSCIOUS!" She gestured wildly at herself. "I LOOK LIKE THIS! Why would I be self-conscious?"

Valid point. Very valid point.

"Then why would you be mad if I was looking?"

"Because you can’t be!"

"...why not?"

"BECAUSE!" Sloane’s face went red with embarrassment. "Because we live together and you’re supposed to be... to be..."

Sloane didn’t finish that sentence and the red in her face spread down the neck.

The Temptation Gauge increased to 23 percent.

[ORACLE FEED UPDATE]

[Subject emotional state: Flustered]

[Recommended action: Press advantage]

"What am I not supposed to be, Sloane?"

"Nothing!" Sloane spun around. "Forget it! You’re being so weird right now!"

She stormed out of the kitchen, and I heard her footsteps thunder up the stairs.

A door slammed somewhere above me.

[SCUMBAG SYSTEM: Congratulations! Temptation Gauge increased by 1%. Current progress: 23%]

"That’s what you’re focused on?" I muttered. "Not the fact that she almost blew up the kitchen?"

[SCUMBAG SYSTEM: Emotional volatility indicates successful engagement with target. Continue this approach for optimal results.]

"Optimal results being me getting murdered before the 36 hours run out?"

[SCUMBAG SYSTEM: Death is not listed as a quest failure condition. You’ll be fine.]

So Sloane in the span of a few minutes went from suspicious to angry to finally being flustered.

And her temptation towards him increased. 𝐟𝐫𝕖𝗲𝘄𝚎𝗯𝕟𝐨𝕧𝐞𝚕.𝕔𝕠𝐦

So that’s what the system considers a success... interesting.

I decided to head back to my room with the only sound being my footsteps and the sound of a shower starting in the bathroom down the hall where Sloane was getting ready to shower.

Don’t think about how she looks naked.

[ORACLE FEED UPDATE]

[Subject: Sloane Fitzgerald]

[Location: Second floor bathroom]

[Status: Showering]

"Didn’t ask." I hissed at the interface.

[ORACLE FEED: Information provided proactively for host awareness.]

"Stop being so damn proactive."

I made it back to my room and shut the door, leaning against it. The quest timer glowed in the corner of my vision like a countdown to my doom.

This was fine. Everything was fine.

I was going to die.

===

[A/N:]

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