Apocalypse Reset: My Crab Can Heal the World!

Two, three blades of water whiz through the warm jungle, slashing through the vegetation and embedding themselves in a kobold's torso.

"Thirty-one," Barns counts, rushing from the defeated monster. He already has his eyes on number thirty-two, a hulking orc that barrels toward him with a club. He readies his blade.

Before he can slice through the orc, Clancy comes crashing out of the forest. He hoists the orc up with both claws and rips the monster's arms off. The jungle is sprayed red as he drops the creature to the ground in a heap, and then the King Crab impales it for good measure.

"FORTY!" Clancy exclaims, doing a crab dance.

"Forty!?" Barns whines. "No way! Can you even count, Clancy?"

Clancy scuttles in place, turning his body fully around. "BIG CAMP. GO TOGETHER."

The two rush through the brush, each one eager to be victor of their contest. Just a bit away, they find the main camp of the monsters. It's a raggedy settlement of tents and tarps, where the trees have been cleared out in a large circle to accommodate the horde.

Barns slips around a large, leafy fern, careful not to brush against it too harshly for fear the sound would alert enemies. He finds his caution to be ill-placed as Clancy barges forward, belting out some nonsense about crab justice being served.

Clancy shoots out a stream of foam like a firehose into the camp, obliterating several of the resting monsters as the rest begin to fan out in a frenzied panic. The screams of all sorts of beasts - goblins, kobolds, orcs and more - fill the air as they try to escape the unrelenting foam faucet.

"You gotta learn how to share, King!" Barns shouts over the cacophony. He rushes in - the foam does him no harm, so even as he gets coated in it he's fully uninhibited. He slashes through two monsters when a third rises from the ground behind him. He doesn't notice her at first - the large, snakelike creature is a lamia, and they were known for their silent slithering.

Clancy flashes to Barns' aid, grabbing the lamia behind him and blasting a jet of foam into her face as he holds her steady. The screams are over in an instant as the purifying foam burns the evil out of the lamia, and a human woman falls to the ground in its place.

Barns leaps forward. There are only a few monsters left. Looks like Clancy was going to win this round, but he's still invigorated and eager to do his best. He slices three times across an orc, dropping it to the ground as another swings a large club at him.

Barns focuses, activating his Harden Body ability. The club smashes against Barns so violently that it explodes, but the young hero is unharmed.

He turns to the assailant and flashes the monster a devilish grin. Even the orc knows it's time to run. It starts to stomp away, but a flurry of water blades like bullets blast into its back. The orc doesn't make it ten feet from Barns before breathing its last.

Clancy crabwalks over and spits up some foam on the defeated enemies. Barns looks around but doesn't see any more.

"Let's do one more walkthrough," Barns suggests, pointing to the southern jungle. "The monsters down there need to be foamed up. I left a nice trail for you to follow."

Barns picks through the rest of the island, and does find two final monsters hiding on the northern shore. He dispatches them swiftly - two anxiety-ridden goblins, and drags their bodies back to the monster settlement.

By the time he throws the bodies into the foamy pile, Clancy has already returned.

"FIFTY-NINE."

Barns whistles, impressed. "Thirty-seven for me. You beat me, Clancy, fair and square. But next time, you're going to have a big surprise waiting for you!"

Barns turns back to the frothy pit. "Resurrection!" he shouts, as divine light covers the island. As the people begin to rise, he gathers a few together for brief instructions.

"Hello, hello," he says. "I'm Barns, and this is Clancy. We're saving the world, and you're the newest members of the Crab Kingdom of Dimartino!"

As Barns gives the run down, he peers off to the side and sees a system message has appeared.

[Progress: 3993/1000000]

'Almost at four thousand,' Barns thinks. 'Not bad.'

He ponders it some more. That's a lot of monsters they've killed.

"BARNACLES. SURPRISE TIME."

He looks over to the crab, unsure of what he means.

"Excuse me, folks," Barns says, leaving the resurrected to their own devices for a moment.

Clancy leads Barns through the jungle to the east side of the island, where Barns had not yet been. As they reach the coast, Barn's eyes lighten up and he sees exactly what Clancy was trying to show him.

In front of him is a large ship that has moored on the beach. It's an old wooden model, but despite years of neglect appears to be in ship-shape.

"Whoa," Barns blurts aloud, looking over the marvelous vessel. They could fit all of the humans they just rescued on this easily.

"You're a genius, Clancy!"

Clancy clicks his claws together. "CRAB SUPREMACY."

The two share a good laugh before heading back to the resurrected humans, eager to put a plan in motion to get their ship back on the sea and home to Dimartino.

...

Meanwhile, back at Dimartino Castle...

"I still don't understand what you called me a 'bitch' last night," Maria scoffs.

"I told you! Barns put me up to it. He said...you might like it if I was a little..."

Maria was hanging from the ceiling of their new bedroom, blindfolded and upside down. She was also completely naked, but the leather straps around her covered her most intimate parts.

"So what, you cooked up a plot to try and make me horny? Why were you two even talking about me! What else did he say!?"

Osmond shakes his head. "Sorry, Maria," concern clear in his voice. "Barns and I are 'bros' now. I can't talk about bro stuff with you. You're just going to have to...uh...deal with it!"

Maria opens her mouth in a wide circle. "Wait," she says, as she swings from the ceiling, contemplative. "Say that again. Meaner."

"Deal with it!" he shouts.

"Louder." 𝑓𝘳𝘦𝑒𝑤𝑒𝘣𝘯ℴ𝘷𝘦𝓁.𝑐𝑜𝑚

"IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, BITCH!"

"Oh, Osmond, take me!"

With the spark of passion reinvigorated within Maria's cold, dead heart, the two ravage each other with newfound vigor.