Apocalypse Reset: My Crab Can Heal the World!

"Weird that I haven't gotten any messages yet," Barns mutters, scrolling through his system notifications with a furrowed brow and a casual flick of the wrist. He thought Maria would be spamming him by now, with news of the impending horde or updates on Dimartino's planning.

And yet, there hasn't been a word from any of them.

"Oh well," he exhales, shaking the unease from his shoulders. "Time to party, ain't that right, King?"

"CRAB FEAST. BEST NIGHT EVER!" Clancy clicks his claws together, scuttling forward with a jitter of excitement. "BARNACLES HONORARY CRAB. GRAND FEAST. MANY WOMEN CRAB."

Barns laughs, shaking his head. "Alright, I'll take the food and the drinks, but you can keep the crab women to yourself, big guy. I owe you one for letting me get the girls in the pool a few days ago."

The Undersea Kingdom is alive tonight. The bioluminescent coral structures glow with soft, hypnotic light, expelling the darkness from the submerged city. Walkways of golden sand carve paths through the vast underwater domain, and everywhere they turn, there's something new and fascinating that catches Barns' eye.

The water thrums with the chatter of hundreds of crabs, mermaids, and all sorts of aquatic life gathered in the grand plaza - a vast, circular arena filled with decor carved from ancient shipwrecks and driftwood.

Barns and Clancy take their place near the center of the revelry, where an enormous banquet table has been piled high with exotic seafood, oversized shellfish, and a bubbling cauldron of some mysterious oceanic stew. The scent is powerful - briny, rich, and packed with unfamiliar spices that sting Barns' nose.

He's not sure how the fluid mechanics work, of a cauldron bubbling underneath the water - but he doesn't question it. Crab magic has many facets.

"THIS… SMELLS… AMAZING," Barns declares, inhaling deeply as a massive, auburn-shelled crab slams down a platter of what looks like fried eel, garnished with potentially radioactive seaweed.

"LEGenD ShriMP," the crab server proclaims. Its voice is far more disoriented and whimsical than any other crab Barns has met.

Barns raises an eyebrow. "Legendary, huh? What's so special about - "

Before he can finish, Clancy plucks a handful of the steaming shrimp and devours them whole, his beady eyes rolling back in bliss.

"BARNACLES. MUST TRY. SHRIMP MAKE STRONG."

Barns eyes the food warily, but he's never been one to turn down a culinary adventure. He picks up a particularly long eel tendril, bites down -

And immediately coughs as a wave of unexpected heat explodes across his tongue.

"SON OF A—WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?" Barns sputters, grabbing a cup of seafoam ale and chugging it down in a desperate attempt to cool his mouth.

He's still unsure of how the cups are working, but they do. He's also finding that he's talking more like a crab.

The surrounding crabs erupt into laughter, clicking their claws and chanting something in their strange, rhythmic tongue.

Clancy slaps him on the back. "DEEP SPICE. CRAB FAVORITE."

Barns wipes his mouth, exhaling sharply. "Alright. Not bad. Could've warned me, maybe?"

He reaches for another, this time prepared for the fiery punch. Once the initial burn subsides, he realizes something - there's an underlying sweetness, a smoky, complex depth that makes it weirdly addictive.

He grins. "Yeah. Yeah, I could get used to this."

The feast rages on.

Massive barrels of fermented jellyfish brew are cracked open, the glowing liquid sloshing into wide, coral-forged goblets. The Undersea Kingdom has no shortage of booze, and Barns quickly learns that crabs drink harder than any human he's ever met.

One particularly massive crab challenges Clancy to a drinking contest.

Barns watches as Clancy downs an entire barrel without even flinching. The challenger barely makes it halfway through before collapsing into the sand.

"CRAB KING UNDEFEATED."

More laughter. More cheers. More food.

At some point, a group of smaller, brightly patterned crabs start a rhythmic clicking sound, creating a bizarre but catchy beat. Barns recognizes it immediately - crab music. The same kind of rhythm he used to dance to as a kid.

Before he knows it, Clancy is scuttling sideways in a wide stance, claws bobbing to the rhythm, shaking his entire body. The feast erupts into some kind of square dancing crab festivals as the party-goers become increasingly raucous.

The sage crab notices that Barns is not dancing.

"BARNACLES," the old crab calls out, his voice like rolling waves over stone. "CRAB PERFORMSH DANSH OF EMPEROR. HONORARY CRABSH MUSH DANSH TOO."

Barns snorts. "No way. Absolutely not."

"MUSH DANSH. YOU ARE CRABSH NEW HOUMSHIN."

Barns freezes.

Every single crab is watching him now. Waiting. Expectant.

"Damn it," he mutters, rubbing his temples.

With a deep breath, he drops into a wide stance, raises his arms like pincers, and starts to move.

The Undersea Kingdom erupts.

The rhythmic clicking grows louder, the crabs chanting, stomping, shaking the entire ocean floor. Barns' feet glide through the sand, his body moving in sync with the tide.

For the first time in years - maybe since childhood - Barns lets himself go. Fully, completely. Surrendering to the bliss of the crab way of life.

He dances.

Click. Scuttle. Click. Twirl. Click. Spin.

He's starting to get really into it - inventing new moves as he goes. He swishes his hips and does some dramatic sideways clicks, somewhere between 'the robot' and a hula dance.

The crabs cheer. Clancy claps his claws in triumph. The feast descends into absolute madness.

And Barns laughs, breathless, exhilarated.

Tonight is legendary.

Before he knows it, he passes out at the party, along the other crabs. "I hope we all wake up tomorrow, or whatever!" Barns slurs, dropping face-first in the sandy plaza.

Barns wakes up half-buried in golden sand, his head pounding. The warm glow of the coral walls tells him that morning has arrived.

Clancy is face-down in a pile of discarded seaweed, drooling foam.

Barns groans, pushing himself upright. The taste of shrimp and spice still lingers in his mouth.

A familiar voice rumbles nearby.

"HOUMSHIN SURVIVED. GOOD. MANY DO NOT."

Barns turns to see the Sage Crab watching him, his beady black eyes full of strange wisdom.

Barns squints at Clancy.

The big guy is still unconscious.

"Gonna be a rough trip back, huh?" Barns mutters.

But before long, Clancy rouses himself. 𝘧𝑟𝑒𝑒𝘸𝘦𝘣𝑛𝑜𝘷𝑒𝓁.𝘤𝘰𝓂

"Time to head back to Dimartino, King. Or should I say, EMPEROR!?"

With the memories of the wildest night of his life still fresh, Barns stretches his aching muscles, grips the Divine Hook, and together with Clancy begin their voyage home.

They have no idea what awaits.