Apocalypse Reset: My Crab Can Heal the World!

"So, how have the last twelve years been for you, Princess? It must have been scary. Were you the only human left?"

The two have just begun their nighttime boat ride. Barns handles the rowing while Princess Maria sits in the front, facing him. The bright light reflecting off the full moon provides plenty of visibility over the calm and tranquil sea.

"Our kingdom fell six years ago," Maria says. "The six years before that were vile and cruel, but we persevered. For the last six years, I had been held captive by a demon. He believed owning me gave him symbolic authority over the entirety of Dimartino. And perhaps it did."

Barns stops rowing for a bit, reaching his hand out to Maria's. "I'm so sorry," Barns says, genuine concern in his eyes. "That must have been difficult for you."

Maria nods, looking out over the moonlight. Whether this was another acting performance or not, Barns was finding it hard to tell.

"The demon treated me kindly, so long as I supported his claim to all of Dimartino. But when I heard a human had come with the power to resurrect humans from monsters, I knew I had to meet him."

Maria's eyes glimmer in the moonlight. "I told myself - Maria. Give yourself to that human. Do whatever it takes to make him happy. That man will be the next king of Dimartino."

Barns is shocked by the brazen offer. "I appreciate the gusto, and maybe my son or daughter can be the next king, but I don't think that life is for me. I can't stay in Dimartino. I have to save the world."

Maria's eye twitches almost imperceptibly, but she catches herself. Having read the system logs, she knows that Barns can now sense murderous intent. She had to be calm. Even when he refuses her, she has to remain focused and on-task.

"Barnacles. Your devotion is admirable. Perhaps I misunderstood the reason you invited me out on the water tonight?"

Barns stops rowing. They are in a shaded lagoon, surrounded by mangrove trees. Just the right amount of moonlight shines through the trees where all can be seen comfortably - and yet the night air is gripped by soft darkness.

The boat comes to a resting point, and even the water seems to still.

"Yeah. I guess there's no sense beating around the bush. Princess Maria, I know you tried to kill Clancy. I want to know why."

Absolute silence. Maria and Barns lock eyes, neither daring to look away.

Maria licks her lips in a circular motion. "The villagers were hungry, of course."

"The real reason!" Barns shouts, standing up on the boat.

Maria groans. "Yell at me again," she dares him. There's unbridled hunger in her voice.

Barns' nostrils flare. "Tell me."

"Really? You want to talk crab right now?"

"Tell me!" Barns roars, veins popping out in his neck.

It's enough to set Maria off. She cackles in pure ecstasy as she withdraws a knife and begins to thrust it at Barns.

He's ready for her attack - in the brief instant before, his Crab Intuition kicks in. Barns grabs Maria's forearm and slams it on the side of the boat. She lurches out in shocked pain and drops the dagger into the water.

She kicks Barns square in the chest, knocking him backward and climbing to her feet. He reaches for an oar and swings it, smashing it against the side of Maria's head. The oar splinters into a million pieces as it slams into her, making her stumble but somehow not knocking her over. She's drooling.

"Auugh!" Barns yells, rising again to his feet and smacking Maria across the face, not knowing what else to do. The murderous intent she exuded earlier is gone.

"I'm gonna kill you!" Barns shouts in her face. Maria has never looked weaker in her life.

"Do whatever you want to me. But let me have this first."

Maria grabs Barns and kisses him, biting his lip as she does. He doesn't know if this is a new method or attack or what.

He decides on 'or what'.

She pulls him forward and collapses onto the floor of the canoe, landing on the sharp, splintered bits of wood from the oar. They stab into her back, but she doesn't care - in fact, she relishes it. She continues kissing Barns, pushing her tongue into his mouth.

Barns has no idea what's happening and his brain is empty. The vague memory of 'I should probably kill her after this' lingers in his mind as he becomes increasingly wrapped up in the moment.

Maria drags her teeth against Barns' throat before grabbing him by the neck and forcing him to look into her eyes. "That all you got?"

And then Barns and Maria go out of control.

Nearby, under the water, Clancy stares up at the boat. He notices it rocking back and forth. Still, he trusted Barnacles and would wait for the signal - as soon as Maria was dropped into the water, he would grab her up and hold her under.

Five more minutes pass. No Maria. Not after ten. Or twenty.

Clancy blows bubbles. "HUMAN TALK TAKE TOO LONG. SPEAK QUICK BETTER."

Clancy plays with his pincers. The boat is really rocking now. They must be having an argument.

"BARNACLES TRY TIP BOAT?"

After a comically long amount of time, the boat finally stops moving. Clancy readies himself. This might be the moment.

Back on the surface of the water, Maria is finally ready to talk.

"I'm scared," Maria admits, buttoning her dress. "I have a life in this post-apocalyptic world. I have purpose and power. I thought if I killed the crab, you'd be out of a job. And I could keep doing what I've been doing."

Barns still isn't fully sure what just happened. "Well, Clancy is off-limits. If you try anything again, I'll kill you."

Maria's eyes roll to the back of her head. "You're the first man to ever dare order me around or yell at me," she smirks. "Even my demon lover won't. He treats me like a Princess."

"Well, you are a Pri- wait, demon lover!?"

Maria scoffs. "What, you didn't think this was my first time, did you?"

Barns blushes.

"If you're serious about saving humanity," Maria starts, "Dimartino Castle has a garrison of three thousand monsters in captivity. But the monsters will be the least of your worries. My demon lover, Osmond - he'll destroy you. And there will go your dreams - you won't even leave Dimartino before your story ends."

"I still have to try. I believe I received these powers for a reason."

"It's Osmond's job to eradicate you. He's been appointed by the Lord of the Apocalypse himself as ruler of Dimartino. He'll hunt you."

"I'm guessing you're team Osmond too?"

Maria smiles. "A girl's got to be able to play both sides. I suppose I wouldn't mind either of you winning."

Maria grabs a fistful of Barns' hair, playfully. "But I do have a castle to get back to. So for now, tonight will be our little secret."

She exerts impossible strength against Barns, flinging him from the boat into the lagoon. Barns is momentarily stunned, unsure of what just happened.

He shakes his head under the water. As soon as he gets his bearings, a crab claw grabs him around the waist and drags him below.

'Damnit, Clancy! It's me, not Maria!' Of course, it's only what Barns thinks to himself, being unable to breathe underwater.

Barns stares at his friend and smacks the top of his shell.

"OOPS. WRONG HUMAN."

Clancy returns Barns to the surface of the water, ready to confront Maria - but to their surprise, she's gone. All that remains is the canoe.

"SORRY. BARNACLES SMELLS LIKE EVIL WOMAN."

Barns smiles weakly. Looking in every direction, he sees no sign of Maria. How in the world did she get out of here without jumping in the water?

Barns shakes his head. The mysteries continue.

Barns climbs back into the canoe, noticing a single feather lying on the floor of the boat. A beautiful golden plume. Clancy stays half-submerged in the water, looking up at his human.

Barns tucks the feather away, for now - but he makes a mental note of it.

"Dimartino Castle. That's our next destination. But they've got three thousand monsters there. We can't handle a group that big."

Clancy thought for a moment, also at a loss. That would be a lot of head-snipping, even for him...

"Clancy, I think we're going to have to start an army."