Apocalypse Reset: My Crab Can Heal the World!

It tackles Barns to the ground right before Eldrie slips back into the barrier. The former vampire turns and shouts.

"Barns!"

"Got you! Tee-hee!"

Corpsie rises to its feet, thrusting an arm into the air in a victory pose and putting a hand on its hip.

"Now THAT'S how you play tag!"

Eldrie fires off an arrow before he can have time to think. Before Corpsie even drops to the ground, suddenly there's another one, standing just behind Barns.

"See, I figured that might happen," Corpsie sighs. "So I had another body locked and loaded! Aren't I just the cutest little zombie?

Barns scrambles back to his feet, his breathing uneven.

"I've never seen people so WORKED UP over tag," Corpsie pouts, putting both hands underneath its chin.

"Barns, we should get back in the barrier! Hurry!"

Barns nods, dashing back into the relative safety afforded by Clancy's shield.

Once they settle, the Corpsie lurches, the top part of its body turning toward them even as the legs stay planted where they are.

The torso hangs slightly crooked on its legs. "You'd think I tried to KILL you or something," it laments. "Just another couple rude old humans. See, that's the thing with you so-called 'free-thinkers'. All you ever do is assume the very WORST in someone like me. You want to know a secret?"

Barns and Eldrie happen to blink at the exact same time - a split second where the cosmonaut isn't visible to either of them.

In that precise moment, it was able to slip away.

Its strongest power - as long as it is unseen by the living, it can move at an impossible speed.

And in that moment, it appeared behind them. Behind the barrier.

"Can you believe I've never killed a human who didn't already attack me first?"

Barns and Eldrie both gasp as the voice comes from over their shoulders. They turn to face the intruder in unison, ready to attack.

"Well, it's true. See, people seem to think I'm a LITTLE CREEPY, if you can imagine. THEY ALL just start running, or swinging, or slapping me around. Hide-and-seek, tag, 'manhunt'. All I ever ask is to play. It's absolutely insane how much people hate playing those games with me."

"How did you get through the barrier!" Barns screams, ready to impale it with his Silver Rake.

"I was able to-"

Before the zombie can finish, Barns thrusts the weapon into it. Holy energy sparks through the inside of the spacesuit and builds up enough to create an explosion. The suit bursts to pieces as Barns immolates the undead.

"I was able to touch you before, so now it's kind of like you and I are bonded, Mr. Barnacles."

The voice comes from behind them, and another astronaut walks up with that same deathly cadence, finishing the sentence of the other without missing a beat.

"What the hell is going on!" Barns cries into the air, frustration overtaking him.

"I also learned quite a lot about you. It's amazing, right? The power of a single touch? Oh, but don't let ME tell you. There's a certain 'silly Susan' named Lamashti that can tell you all about the finer points of being touched. I kind of like her. She and I have a lot in common. People take one look at us and say: 'Gee, I wouldn't want to be touched by that person!' Isn't that so rude, though?"

Barns frowns. "Eldrie, what are we going to do? It's still inside the barrier and it won't die!"

"God, I'd rather have it just shut up," Eldrie replies. "It's talking total nonsense, and it's creepy as hell!"

"Isn't it SO FUCKING RUDE?" the zombie shouts, twitching unnaturally in the immaculately clean spacesuit.

It strikes a pose, pointing one hand to the sky like a rock-and-roll star as it thrusts its hips once and throws a leg into the air.

"Aiyaiyaiyeah!" it shrieks. "Ah! That's right. You two don't like dancing either. That was a few me's ago, so me's memory is fuzzy, tee-hee."

The cosmonaut contorts back into an upright pose. "I suppose I should just give up on you two. I don't think you'll ever be my friends…"

"Barns, look out! He's starting to move more seriously!"

It rolls its shoulders. "After all, you both tried to kill me. More than once for archer boy."

Barns braces his SSS Rank cane. When it attacks, he'll be ready.

"This is the Dimartino welcome, I suppose. MURDER anyone who comes up to say hello. Assume the worst out of even the best…"

It freezes in place, positioned like an Olympian poised to start a race.

"I shall repay your welcome…with my own kindness!"

Corpsie flies through the air like a dragon, moving unnaturally as if guided only by its right leg, and launches a high-speed kick at Barns.

"Harden Body!"

The kick is stopped by Barns' bare arm as he uses it like a shield with his crab technique. Then, he swings his crab cane in a crescent arc.

The Corpsie dances through the air to dodge his attack, making it look almost effortless. Like a joke.

It lands on the ground behind him and spins around in a quick circle, rapidly drawing a rune on the ground with its dragging boot. Then, the Corpsie clasps its hands together as it shouts at the top of its lungs.

"Summoning Jutsu!"

They both freeze in terror just three feet away from striking. They look around in a mutual panic, looking at whatever was summoned, and from where. They can't see anything, but -

"Oh, that?" Corpsie shrugs. "Never tried it before, wanted to see if it'd work. APPARENTLY NOT."

"You stupid fuc-"

"Ooh! Wait, maybe it did!" It points and jumps, looking over their shoulders.

They turn again to see something truly horrific.

It's a giant, undead creature. The top of it is humanoid, about forty feet. The torso of an astronaut, clad in spacegear, connected at the hip to a bottom that is more reminiscent of a spider. The bottom half is not covered in spacesuit but rather made visibly of fleshly undeath. The grotesque monstrosity towers over them, its gloved hands each large enough to hold one of them and crush them.

A Giant Undead Astrospider.