Beastmen Are Crazy, So I Sell Them Therapy

Unfortunately—for reasons that felt deeply personal and extremely offensive to my expectations—Mikael gave in.

The disappointment lasted exactly one second because the moment my OmniSync pinged again, my entire mood flipped as I looked down.

[+1,000 IC received]

I slowly lifted my head and looked at him, a wide, absolutely unprofessional grin spreading across my face.

"Nyang nya-ang, Mika!" I chirped.

Translation: Thank you for the tip Mika!

I even tilted my head a little, expecting—no, deserving—some kind of acknowledgment.

Silence.

’...Rude.’

I frowned slightly, confused, about to repeat myself when he leaned down and before I could even process what was happening, my cheeks were under attack.

Everything froze.

Me.

Gawain.

Agatha.

Possibly the time itself.

Except Mikael, because he, apparently, had decided that this was the moment to explore the structural integrity of my face.

My brain short-circuited as he continued squishing my cheeks like I was some kind of stress-relief object he’d just legally purchased.

Our reactions, naturally, were very different.

Agatha stared... not in horror, not in concern, but with the unmistakable look of someone who was seriously considering joining in.

Gawain, on the other hand, looked like he was about to commit a felony.

As for me, my mouth hung open as I stared at Mikael, completely stunned. ’What... what is happening?’

This was not the Mikael I knew.

This was not the composed, polite, always-smiling-like-a-possible-serial-killer Mikael.

This was—

"You really feel like a stuffed toy," he said completely serious, still squishing my cheeks like he was conducting a scientific experiment. "I didn’t know you were this squishy, Miss Blanca."

He was still smiling, but not the usual one.

Softly, adoringly, and somehow more unhinged.

Gawain finally snapped.

"You—"

He pulled out his karambit so fast it practically screamed violence incoming as he charged forward like a man possessed. "Get your filthy hands away from My Squishy Lady!!!"

’My... what now?’

Mikael sidestepped effortlessly.

But instead of retreating like a normal person who valued survival, he did something far worse.

He grabbed and hugged me.

Shamelessly.

"MY LADY!" Gawain shouted, horrified, like he had just witnessed the collapse of civilization then pointed his karambit at Mikael. "You heathen! Drop the lady now!"

He charged again.

Mikael dodged again, still holding me, and still squishing my cheeks.

"You missed. Again," Mikael said calmly, like this was a casual game and not an assassination attempt.

"Then keep still!" Gawain snapped, completely losing his patience, composure, and possibly his sanity.

Before the situation could escalate into full chaos—

Agatha moved.

Fast.

One moment I was in Mikael’s arms, the next—

Gone.

"Agatha! Nyang nyang nya—!" I started, relieved.

Translation: Agatha! Thank you for help—

I felt betrayal for the second time. This is unforgivable because she—

She—

Also started squishing my cheeks.

"...Agatha?" I looked at her, my voice filled with disbelief and emotional damage.

"I’m sorry, My Lady."

She did not look sorry.

"—but you really are squishy. Please forgive me just this once, but I’ve been longing to squish your cheeks!"

This was not a one-time thing.

This was premeditated.

Gawain and Mikael both paused, staring at her like she had just revealed a hidden personality trait no one asked for.

"She is not a stuffed toy," Gawain said, offended on my behalf.

"I’m not yet done squishing her," Mikael added, like this was a group activity now.

Gawain responded the only way he knew how—

With a flying kick.

Mikael caught his leg mid-air effortlessly and swung it aside.

Gawain landed smoothly, already preparing for another attempt like he had something to prove.

"Miss Blanca," Mikael said, looking at me like this was a completely reasonable negotiation, "considering my generous tip, I think I deserve more time to squish you."

"..."

Mikael has gone insane.

I take it back.

I miss the old Mikael.

The polite, composed, mentally stable, and the one who smiled like a maniac but at least respected personal space.

"My Lady, I think this is the best time to tell you," Agatha whispered, still holding me hostage, "the Mad Dogs are composed of twelve members. Me and Mikael are also a part of the Mad Dogs."

’That explains—

Wait.

What?’

I slowly turned my head towards Mikael then back to Agatha.

So they’ve been like this the entire time?

They’ve just been hiding it?

"R-Run..." I muttered weakly.

Then, with full clarity and zero hesitation—

"NYANG NYA-AAANG!!!"

Translation: R-Run... THEY’RE ALL CRAZY!!!

I didn’t wait for a response.

I jumped out of Agatha’s arms and bolted for my life—or at least as far as my dignity could carry me—because at this point, survival instincts had officially taken over.

Behind me were two individuals who had clearly abandoned all pretense of sanity, and I, unfortunately, had become their shared objective.

"Gawang!" I cried, launching myself toward Gawain like a desperate missile seeking refuge.

He caught me instantly, no hesitation, no questions asked, like this was a completely normal occurrence.

I buried myself against him, clinging for dear life as if he were the last bastion of civilization in a world gone horribly wrong.

Gawain, naturally, looked smug.

"It seems the lady doesn’t want to see you two," he said, lifting his chin slightly like he had just won something important.

Across from us, Mikael and Agatha paused.

Then, for the first time since this entire nightmare began—

They nodded at each other, silently, in agreement.

That was when I knew things were about to get worse.

They started walking toward us, slowly, calmly, smiling sweetly.

"Stay back!" Gawain warned, tightening his hold on me.

They did not stay back.

"Surrender the lady," Mikael said in the calmest voice imaginable, "and we’ll let you live."

"No!" Gawain snapped immediately.

"It’s not as if we’ll eat her," Agatha added reasonably, as if that made anything better. "We’re just going to play with her for a while."

"To hell with you!"

Mikael glanced at Agatha, thoughtful. "Should we prepare snake soup for dinner?"

Agatha clasped her hands together, eyes lighting up. "I heard snake soup has medicinal properties. Yum!"

"I said get back, you monsters!" Gawain shrieked, immediately abandoning any sense of pride as he turned and ran—still carrying me—like his life genuinely depended on it.

And just like that, chaos resumed.

We dashed around the workroom in what could only be described as the most undignified chase in history.

Shelves blurred past, tools rattled, and at one point I was fairly certain we knocked over something expensive—but honestly, survival first.

It felt like a classic chase scene, except completely wrong, because instead of a cat chasing mice—

The cat was running for its life.

And the mice were unhinged.

"Stop running," Mikael called casually, like we were inconveniencing him.

"Come back, My Lady," Agatha added, far too sweetly for someone actively participating in my downfall.

"No!" Gawain yelled back, swerving around a table. "I refuse to hand her over to lunatics!"

It didn’t last because no matter how fast Gawain ran, no matter how dramatically he dodged, they caught up.

It happened in a blur.

One moment we were free.

The next—

Gawain was restrained, effortlessly.

"Traitors—!" he started, struggling, but it was already over.

And me?

I was immediately recaptured.

Again.

Before I could even protest, I was surrounded—hugged from one side, then the other—like I had just been reclaimed as communal property.

And then—

The assault resumed.

Cheeks.

Head.

Everything.

They petted me like I was some rare, highly valuable stuffed toy they had just acquired and had no intention of returning.

I struggled, twisting, trying to escape their grip.

"NYANG NYA! NYA! NYA-ANG! NYAAANG NYA—!"

Translation: I’m not a pet! I have dignity! I demand respect! I demand—

Purr.

"..."

Purr.

I froze.

No.

No, no, no.

Not this.

Not now.

I tried again, opening my mouth to protest—

Purr.

My entire body betrayed me.

I went still, horrified, as the sound continued—soft, involuntary, absolutely humiliating.

Damn this cat-like body.

Curse it.

Curse everything.

"...Did you hear that?" Agatha whispered, eyes shining.

Mikael didn’t even respond—he just continued petting me with even more focus, like he had just unlocked a hidden feature.

I wanted to resist.

I really did.

But my body?

My traitorous, comfort-seeking, absolutely spineless body—

Melted.

And in the end...

I let them pet me.

After what felt like several lifetimes of emotional damage and cheek-related trauma, they finally decided they’d had enough fun.

Mikael, of course, was the first to recover his dignity—how convenient.

"I still have work to do," he said smoothly, as if he hadn’t just spent the last several minutes treating me like a limited-edition plush collectible.

"Have fun, Miss Blanca."

I hissed at him. "Bad Mika!"

He only chuckled, completely unbothered, and—because apparently he hadn’t reached his daily quota of audacity—patted my head before turning and leaving like a man who had accomplished something important.

I stared after him, deeply offended then I turned to Agatha, who was currently busy untying Gawain like she hadn’t been a willing participant in my suffering.

The moment he was free, Gawain rushed towards me and pulled me into a hug so tight it felt like he was trying to fuse us into one being.

He started talking immediately—fast, emotional, probably dramatic—but all I heard was muffled nonsense because there was still a strip of black tape plastered across his mouth.

I stared at him then, without hesitation, ripped it off.

"—OW!"

"I can’t even understand what you’re saying," I typed on my OmniSync, holding it up for him to read.

He let out a deep sigh like he had just endured unimaginable hardship, then—without learning a single lesson—hugged me again.

Like I was a plush toy.

"I’m glad they stopped assaulting you like a stuffed toy," he said, voice filled with relief.

I slowly rolled my eyes.

The irony was suffocating.

I glanced at Agatha. "Stone."

She didn’t even question it. The moment I asked, she handed it over, and I immediately shifted back into my human form, stretching slightly as I adjusted.

"You can let go now," I said flatly.

Gawain, who was still holding onto me like I might disappear if he loosened his grip, looked personally betrayed. "So unfair..." he muttered, reluctantly letting go. "You immediately transformed back into a human, but you let those two—" he shot Agatha a glare, "—play with you while you were still in your beast form."

I cracked my neck, fixing them both with a look. "Stop treating me like a stuffed toy."

"But you’re fluffy," Gawain said.

"And cute," Agatha added.

"And chubby," he continued.

"And soft," she followed.

"And smol like a pup—"

I glared.

"One more word," I said calmly, "and I will never transform back into a leopard again."

"..."

"..."

They both shut up so fast it was almost impressive.

Satisfied, I turned away and went back to my workbench, picking up where I left off like I hadn’t just gone through the most disrespectful experience of my life.

Behind me, I could practically feel them staring. But for once, they kept their thoughts to themselves.

It lasted only three seconds before I slowly turned around and looked straight at Agatha. "500."

She blinked. "...My Lady?"

"Give me 500 IC," I said, completely serious.

Gawain, who had just been recovering from his near-death emotional experience, looked between us like he’d just tuned into the best show of the year.

"What for?" Agatha asked cautiously.

"Compensation," I replied, crossing my arms. "For emotional and physical trauma. You’re lucky I didn’t ask for 1,000."

There was a pause.

A long one.

The kind where she was clearly debating whether she could argue her way out of this or if I was about to escalate the situation further.

"...."

Behind her, Gawain made a choking sound then immediately lost control.

"Pfft—AHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

He doubled over, laughing like this was the funniest thing he’d ever witnessed in his entire life, completely unbothered by the fact that I was, in fact, completely serious.

Agatha, on the other hand, looked like she had just accepted her fate.

Without another word, she pulled out her OmniSync, tapped a few buttons, then pressed it against mine.

Ping.

[500 IC received]

I nodded, satisfied, and turned back to my workbench like this was a completely normal transaction.

"Thank you for using Blanca’s Plushie Service," I said casually, already picking up my tools. "Please hug me again."

Behind me, Gawain’s laughter somehow got louder.

Agatha didn’t even look at him as she simply stepped forward and punched him straight in the gut.

"—Ghk—!"

THUD.

Silence followed as I continued working like nothing had happened.