Surviving A Novel I Don't Remember: A Tutor's Guide To Staying Alive

Julian’s core shook, his belly churned, and his shoulders wouldn’t stop trembling. Then, quieter, with a trembling voice, he added, "Your words, your actions, your loving, sweet assurance, for some reason... It does not change how insecure I feel, Lucien."

He gripped the fabric on his arm, as if it would settle his trembling body and shaking heart.

"Zane saw it. He mocked me. He said I didn’t know how to love you... that I didn’t properly understand the language of the heart, and it’s true." A tear slid down his face. "I know it’s true because I feel so insecure, so uncertain, so... lost." He looked up at Alaric through a blur of tears, his face pale.

The other eye let go of the tears welling up there and let them trace down his cheeks in heavy strides.

"This thing called love, Lucien, it makes me feel so uncertain, and that no matter what I do, I cannot..." his voice cracked as the words choked in his throat. "I cannot shake the feeling that I am not enough, that I am not doing anything to properly express my love for you. It haunts me, Lucien. It hurts me."

Because he had never loved, because he had never been interested in love... Because he had never properly understood the heart of a partner, it felt very complicated to him. It was slowly wrecking him that sometimes he wondered if it would have been better if he had not learned to love and just lived with Alaric like that.

No, that would’ve been even more unfair to Alaric, who was pouring his heart and soul for him.

Alaric stood as if he had been struck. The fury that had threatened to bring the library down was gone, replaced by a devastating, hollow silence. He looked at Julian—truly looked at him—and realized that while he had been building fortresses of stone and steel to protect him, Julian had been crumbling inside that very fortress.

The sight of Julian’s fingers gripping his own arm so tightly that the knuckles were white, the way his shoulders shook with the confession of his own perceived inadequacy—it was more than Alaric could bear.

"Julian," Alaric’s voice was no longer a growl or a rasp. It was a soft, wounded thing.

He stepped forward, closing the distance Julian had created when he scrambled away. This time, he didn’t grab Julian with the possessiveness of a Duke; he reached out with the desperation of a man who had finally seen the thorns piercing the person he loved most.

He took Julian’s hands, gently prying them away from his own arms, and held them between his large, soot-stained palms.

"You feel like you aren’t enough?" Alaric whispered, his eyes searching Julian’s tear-blurred ones, his gaze softening with a sudden, devastating tenderness that seemed to melt the icy exterior he’d worn all morning. 𝙛𝒓𝓮𝙚𝔀𝒆𝒃𝓷𝒐𝓿𝙚𝓵.𝙘𝒐𝒎

"You, who gave up an entire world I can barely conceive of to stay in this frozen wasteland with me? You, who looked at the ’Beast’ the Empire feared, reminded him what warmth was, reminded him of his name..." His deep voice slightly broke at the edges, and his large hands reached out, trembling visibly as they hovered near Julian’s face, as if he were afraid the mere touch would shatter the man before him. "...and gave him a home in your arms?"

"But I don’t do anything, Lucien!" Julian’s voice was a jagged sob. "I just... I just exist. I let you save me. I let you hold me. And when I try to do something for you back, I ruin it. I feel like a child playing at being a partner, and Zane... he saw right through it."

He hated that he had to mention Zane, but...

"He told me I was a diamond trying to be coal. He told me I was keeping you at arm’s length because I was afraid of the fire that radiates around you, and I hate to admit it, but..." he gulped, taking his hand out of Alaric’s hold and once again clutched the fabric of his sleeves to stop the shaking in his limbs. "He’s right, Lucien. Subconsciously, my heart that yearns for you ends up keeping away from you, as if I am scared of being burned. But I hate that fear,"

He shook his head, his heart trembling again. "I don’t want to feel like I am forcing myself to love you, to feel like I only learned to love you because of the things you did for me."

"It’s definitely not like that," Alaric muttered, his fingers twitching at his sides as if he, too, was suddenly unsure.

"But, my intrusive thoughts make it seem that way, Lucien. I am like a caged bird, with the keys right next to me, but I still can’t get out. What... What do I do?"

Alaric placed his hand on Julian’s shoulder and pulled Julian toward him until their chests met, until Julian could feel the frantic, heavy thud of the heart he thought he wasn’t ’properly’ loving.

"Listen to me," Alaric commanded, his voice trembling with an intensity that made the surrounding library feel small and insignificant. He held Julian, his large hands moving to cup Julian’s face, his thumbs wiping away the hot, heavy tracks of tears.

"Love isn’t a debt, Julian. It isn’t a trade of gifts or some perfect formula you have to solve. If you never brewed another pot of tea, if you never sat in the study to teach Lucius—if you just stood in this cold and breathed the same air as me—that would be enough. Do you understand?"

Alaric’s forehead dropped to rest against Julian’s, his eyes closing as he fought his own rising emotion.

"Your existence didn’t just save my life; it gave my life a reason to continue. You aren’t a caged bird, Julian. You are the sky I’ve been trying to reach for seven years."

Julian let out a shaky, broken breath, his hands finally relaxing their grip on his own sleeves to tentatively reach for Alaric’s wrists.

"But the fire, Lucien... the way you love me... It’s so much. Sometimes I feel like if I let myself truly touch it, there won’t be anything left of me. I’m scared of being burned... scared that I only learned to love you because I had to."

"I know," Alaric murmured, his hand coming up to cradle the back of Julian’s head, his fingers tangling in the soft hair. "Love is a terrifying thing for a man who spent his life behind structured walls. I’m scared every day that I’ll wake up, and you’ll realize I’m just a scarred knight with nothing to offer you. But I don’t go to Zane to fix it. I come to you."

He pulled back just enough to look Julian in the eye, his thumb wiping away a heavy tear.

"The ’language of the heart’ isn’t something a snake like Zane can teach. He knows how to manipulate, not how to love. If you feel lost, Julian, then let me be the one to find you every single day. Don’t go to the shadows. Stay in the light with me,"