I Stole the Villain's Cat, and Now He Thinks I'm His Wife

The problem with fifty terrified, untrained men is that panic is highly contagious.

As I marched down to the main courtyard, the green recruits were scrambling around like headless chickens. Spears were being dropped. Shields were clattering against the stone. Quartermaster Koji was yelling orders until his voice went hoarse, but the sheer, paralyzing fear of facing corrupted ice beasts without the Vanguard was completely taking over.

"Quartermaster," I called out, my voice sharp and entirely calm, cutting through the chaos.

Koji stopped yelling. The recruits froze, turning to look at the Warlord’s Consort.

I didn’t look terrified. I didn’t look like a capital lady about to faint. I had my sleeves rolled up, my hair tied back tightly, and I was holding a heavy wooden bucket completely overflowing with coarse rock salt.

"Panic burns energy," I told the courtyard of shaking men. "And we have a lot of manual labor to do. Koji, divide the recruits into three teams. I want Team One on the battlements with the dismantled siege logs. Team Two is mixing the salt with iron shavings from the forge. Team Three is rolling the empty oil barrels to the inner gate."

"Lady Kitsune," a young recruit squeaked, his spear trembling in his hands. "We don’t have mages! Ice beasts are made of corrupted mana! Our weapons will just bounce off them!"

"We don’t need weapons to bounce off them," I said simply. "We need them to melt."

I walked over to the boy, reaching into my bucket. I pulled out a handful of the coarse salt and iron mixture.

"Corrupted mana holds the ice together, but it’s still just ice," I explained loudly, making sure every man in the yard could hear me. "What happens when you throw salt on a frozen winter step?"

"It... it melts, My Lady," the boy whispered.

"Exactly. And the iron shavings will completely disrupt their magical healing. We are not going to fight them in an open field like honorable idiots. We are going to let them walk right into our house, lock the door behind them, and drop the ceiling on their heads."

I dumped the handful of salt back into the bucket.

"Now," I clapped my hands together, the sharp smack echoing off the iron walls. "Move! Unless you want to explain to Lord Akira why you let his house get trashed!"

That did it. The mention of the Warlord’s terrifying wrath was far scarier than hypothetical ice beasts. The recruits snapped to attention, grabbing buckets and sprinting toward their stations.

"You are terrifyingly efficient, My Lady," Ginji murmured, stepping up beside me. He had already strapped three extra daggers to his belt, his bushy red tail completely still.

"I grew up setting traps for actual basement rats," I replied, walking toward the armory. "Ice beasts are just bigger, stupider rats. Did you find our resident deity?" 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝙚𝙬𝓮𝙗𝒏𝙤𝒗𝙚𝙡.𝒄𝒐𝓶

"I am here, and I am highly offended by the implication that I should do manual labor."

Yuki floated down from the armory roof in his twelve-year-old boy form. He was crossing his arms and pouting, though he was already surrounded by a faint, crackling aura of divine turquoise magic.

"Yuki," I said, not slowing my pace. "There are beasts coming. If they breach the inner keep, they will destroy the kitchens."

Yuki’s glowing eyes went wide.

"They will smash the ovens," I continued ruthlessly. "They will freeze the hearth. And they will trample the remaining two carts of premium coastal tuna."

"The absolute audacity," Yuki hissed, his cat ears flattening against his white hair. The air around him suddenly dropped ten degrees, and his divine aura flared from a faint glow into a blinding, terrifying light. "I will personally shred their corrupted souls into fish food."

"Good boy," I smiled. "I need you to anchor the inner courtyard gate. Do not let them pass the second wall. Ginji, you are with me on the battlements."

For the next hour, the Northern Fortress was a hive of frantic, perfectly organized activity.

We hauled massive, heavy wooden logs up to the walkways above the main gate. We packed the empty oil barrels with the salt-and-iron mixture, tying them to heavy ropes to create crude, devastating swing-traps. I sent Yua and Rin deep into the underground preservation cellars, locking the heavy iron door behind them myself.

By the time the sun dipped below the jagged mountain peaks, casting the fortress in dark, bruised shadows, the courtyard was ready.

It was no longer a beautiful, open training ground. It was a perfectly designed, completely lethal funnel. A kill zone.

We waited in the freezing silence.

I stood on the high walkway directly above the main iron gates, looking out over the dark, snowy valley. Ginji stood slightly in front of me, his hand resting casually on his blade. Down below, Koji and the recruits were hiding in the defensive alcoves, holding ropes and torches.

Then, the ground began to shake.

It wasn’t a steady rumble. It was the heavy, chaotic thudding of massive, unnatural footsteps.

Through the blinding snow, dark shapes began to emerge. They were horrifying. Massive, hulking beasts that looked like a twisted combination of dire wolves and bears, made entirely of jagged black ice and oozing, purple corrupted mana.

There were about thirty of them. A splinter group that had broken off from the main horde and bypassed the Jagged Pass entirely.

"They found the scent of the kitchens," Ginji whispered, his fox ears swiveling to track their movements.

"Perfect," I said coldly.

The beasts didn’t use siege tactics. They were mindless, starving for warmth and clean magic. The lead beast, a massive, jagged monstrosity the size of a carriage, slammed its heavy shoulder directly into the outer iron gates of the fortress.

BOOM.

The heavy iron groaned.

"Hold," I ordered quietly. Koji relayed the hand signal down below.

BOOM.

The beast slammed into the gate again. The hinges screamed in protest.

"Hold," I repeated. I waited until the entire pack of beasts was clustered directly outside the gate, pushing and snarling against the metal.

"Now," I snapped. "Koji, drop the bar!"

Down in the courtyard, Koji pulled the massive lever. The heavy iron locking bar on the outer gates completely released.

The beasts, leaning their entire weight against the metal, stumbled forward as the gates violently swung open. The entire pack of thirty corrupted monsters poured directly into the outer courtyard, snarling and roaring in triumph.

They were expecting soft, terrified humans.

They stepped into the basement rat’s trap instead.

"Drop the ceiling!" I yelled over the edge of the walkway.

The recruits hiding on the walls cut the ropes holding the dismantled siege logs.

Dozens of massive, two-ton solid oak beams rained down from the sky. They smashed directly into the center of the pack with devastating, bone-crushing force. Several of the ice beasts were instantly pulverized, their black ice bodies shattering into a million pieces under the sheer weight of the falling wood.

The surviving beasts roared in confusion, looking up at the walls.

"Salt them!" I commanded.

From the alcoves, the recruits hurled the prepared buckets of rock salt and iron shavings. The mixture hit the beasts like a shower of acid. The moment the coarse salt touched their corrupted ice bodies, it began to violently hiss and melt.

The beasts shrieked in agony as their armor literally dissolved off their bones. The iron shavings completely scrambled their purple mana, preventing them from reforming the ice.

"It’s working!" a recruit cheered from below, throwing another bucket.

The lead beast, half of its face melted away by the salt, let out a furious, deafening roar. It locked its glowing purple eyes on me, standing on the walkway above. It completely ignored the recruits and lunged toward the stone stairs leading up to the battlements, moving with terrifying speed.

It was coming right for me.

Ginji stepped in front of me, drawing his uchigatana in a flash of silver steel.

"Stay behind me, My Lady," the fox-kin ordered, his lazy demeanor entirely replaced by lethal focus.

"No need, Ginji," I smiled, stepping up beside him and grabbing the heavy rope tied to the railing. "I told you. I don’t fight fair."

I pulled the rope.

Above the stairs, a suspended oil barrel packed entirely with the salt-and-iron mixture swung violently down like a massive pendulum. It slammed directly into the charging beast’s chest, completely exploding on impact.

A massive cloud of salt and iron dust engulfed the staircase. The beast let out one final, gurgling shriek before its core completely destabilized, collapsing into a puddle of foul, steaming slush right at the bottom of the steps.

I dusted my hands off on my wool cloak, looking down at the absolute massacre in the courtyard.

The recruits hadn’t drawn a single sword, and the terrifying, unstoppable splinter group was already completely decimated.

"Well," Ginji murmured, sliding his blade back into its sheath with a crisp click. He looked down at the melting, steaming courtyard, and then back at me, his amber eyes filled with a new, profound level of respect. "Remind me to never, ever steal from the kitchen ledgers, Lady Kitsune."

"Just aggressive pest control, Ginji," I replied casually.