How I Accidentally Built a Kingdom

Right!

So today my freedom has been taken away again.

Now you’ll have to deal with me being interrupted again.

And having to hold back, which I imagine is going to be quite boring for you.

I mean come on, you have to admit, you loved the way our last session went, didn’t you?

Ouch!

I never said you’re holding me back!

Of course I want you here.

I want you anywhere I go.

You guys are the loves of my life, what kind of man would I be if I didn’t want you around every second of every day.

Anyway, the girls said they’re not going to let me have another session to myself for a while.

Apparently I just use that to blab about myself, and waste everyone’s time.

Which I can’t really understand. I mean, hearing about me would never be a waste of time...

What do you mean that’s arrogant? There’s nothing arrogant about it! It’s only the truth.

Of course I’m not only thinking of myself.

I literally just said that hearing about me improves their lives, how is that thinking about myself. That’s literally about as selfless as anyone can get.

Okay, okay, before we start wasting all of the time arguing again, let’s get back into it.

Julia is excited to tell you her part in the success of my plans in the next session.

—Personally I think her part couldn’t have been that big.—

***

Okay so where were we?

Julia kicked a poor man in his nuts.

We got our rooms and meals comped for a week.

And then we went upstairs.

Right! I think I’m up to date again.

So, after the entire diner escapade, and Julia’s clear sign of love for me, we made our way back to the third floor, and our rooms.

Did I imagine a night of very wild, and fun escapades with the beauty walking in front of me?

Absolutely!

You should have seen the sway of those hips... And those legs, damn... those legs could put me in a trance for days. If you hadn’t noticed I am a leg man myself.

But being the absolute gentleman that I am, I didn’t act on these filthy, yet very beautiful, thoughts.

Oh no, when we reached our doors, I walked her to her room, gave her a firm handshake, wished her a good night, and returned back to my room.

Gentlemanly, aren’t I?

Obviously this had nothing to do with me being nervous as hell, as inexperienced as any man can be, and just all round very frightened.

None of those were the reasons. I am a confident, and charming man after all. If I wanted to make a move I could absolutely do it.

If I wanted to make a move there would have been no way she would have been able to resist me.

Okay, okay, sorry about that guys, apparently I’m drifting off again.

The girls are telling me that this is why it’s taken me almost seven sessions just to get through the first day of my story.

But come on, it’s not like you guys aren’t entertained... right?

So let’s just skip past the night, nothing entertaining happened anyway.

I went into my room, and went to sleep.

I didn’t do anything at all before going to sleep.

Nothing at all.

No nighttime activities.

None.

It did bother me however that there weren’t any baths, I’m not a fan of going to sleep without taking a bath, or shower.

Obviously the thought that that might be another business opportunity also went through my mind.

And with that final thought I drifted off to a peaceful sleep, with a very satisfied... Ahem, a peaceful smile on my face.

The early morning light woke me from my peaceful, and deep sleep.

I heard a massive ruckus downstairs, apparently the people in this village didn’t believe in cooking for themselves, because the diner was once again packed to the rafters.

I ran into Julia as I came out of my room.

"Good morning," she said, the early morning light accentuating her beauty even more.

Today she wasn’t wearing her armor again.

Instead she was wearing... a summer dress.

A summer dress!

I swear she was trying to kill me.

She says that it was the only thing she could find to wear. She had fled with nothing but a purse after all, so it’s not like she was carrying around any spare clothes. I didn’t ask her where she had found it though.

The look in her eyes told me that it might be better for me to not know.

Plausible deniability and all that.

"Good morning."

"Do you have any plans for today?" I asked.

Those eyes.

Those damned eyes.

They looked so deeply into mine that I could swear she could see through all of my secrets.

Not that there are any, I mean I’m an open book.

No secrets here.

"I don’t have any plans at all, why do you need my help with something?" she responded.

"No... I was just wondering if you would like to join me." I answered.

"What are you planning?"

I gave her my standard charming, and not at all self-conscious smile.

"I’m going to go talk to the innkeeper about a couple of business ideas I had."

She raised her eyebrows at this.

But of course being that I’m an absolute genius, and charming as hell, she agreed to come with me.

Who wouldn’t have?

We made our way down to the diner again, and after asking around for a bit we found the innkeeper in his study, at the back of the inn.

And I have to say, it was a very fancy study.

Now you remember how I said the waiter subverted all of my expectations of elves?

Well this guy definitely did not.

He looked about middle aged, but one thing I noticed about the elves once we arrived, was that it was almost impossible to judge their ages.

But his guy was handsome, just the way I expected elves should be.

Obviously he couldn’t be compared to me at all.

Which is also why I suspect the meeting didn’t go the way I expected it to at all.

"My name is Darvel," the innkeeper said as he gestured for me and Julia to have a seat.

He was sitting on the other side of a massive and overbearing wooden desk.

There was no polite smile, no friendly words.

Nothing.

He didn’t even get up when we walked in.

And I could’ve sworn I saw a flash of displeasure on his face when we walked in.

Now I know that wasn’t because I smelled bad.

It definitely wasn’t because either me or Julia looked bad.

I mean I’m the definition of handsomeness.

And Julia... well you already know well about Julia.

I mean if she walks into a room people would stop and stare.

But if we walk into a room together... Now that’s on a completely different level.

Anyway, we introduced ourselves, just in case he didn’t remember us from the previous night.

Obviously I thought that that would be improbable.

We are a pretty fetching couple you know.

And being the professional and simplistic man that I am, I got right down to the point.

"I have a business proposition for you Darvel," I began. "I noticed that your waiting time at the diner is very... long, and that people tend to get a bit restless."

"I might have a couple of suggestions to cut that time right down to the bone, and even to lessen the pressure on your waitstaff."

I noticed that the expressions on Darvel’s face shifted quite a bit, but of course I expected that that was just because he was completely impressed by my genius.

Or very excited that I might have an idea that could solve a lot of problems for him.

"And what would you want in return for these... ideas?" He asked.

Now this was where things might have become a bit complicated.

You see being an aspiring businessman myself, no one wanted to give away their hard earned money. So I strapped in for the long haul of negotiations.

"I believe that a 20% profit share from this new venture would be sufficient."

Now I expected a lot to happen.

He could profusely thank me.

He could tell me that he would like to hear my ideas first, which of course would not happen. You never share the ideas you were planning to profit off for free.

And in the worst case scenario, he would start haggling for a lower percentage profit share.

I mean these scenarios I had dreamed up were completely realistic after all.

Instead what happened was none of them.

No, instead the arrogant elf burst out laughing.

Obviously I thought this was from pure joy, but that was until I heard his next words.

"You really think that I would give you a share of my profits, just because you believe you have some miraculous ideas?"

"You humans truly are arrogant."

"You come strolling into our village."

"Causing a ruckus in my inn."

"And now you think you can just start doing business with me?"

"I forgave the ruckus you caused last night, because my waiter was acting inhospitable, I even gave you your rooms and meals for free for the next week."

"But don’t believe, even for a second, that I would ever go into business with a dirty human such as yourself."

And he went on and on like this for about ten minutes, just telling us how humans were disgusting animals, and we didn’t deserve to breathe the same air as the elves, etcetera etcetera.

Anyway, I kind of cut most of his ranting and raving off after the first couple of minutes.

I did however notice that Julia started gripping her chair pretty hard.

Those beautiful petite hands turning pale with the pressure she was using.

I could actually hear the wooden handles creak under the pressure.

Of course I couldn’t have her nearly murder another person in a matter of days, I still needed to have a place to sleep after all.

So I reached out and gave her hand a silent squeeze.

Signalling for her to calm down with my eyes, obviously she understood, she could read minds after all.

"Well then, if that’s how you feel, excuse us." I said.

"You should just understand one thing... If you ever call this woman a dirty human again, I will burn this inn down with you still inside of it." I threatened him, and closed the door behind me. I didn’t give him a moment to respond, or even time to truly process my threat.

Like I said, I don’t mind people insulting me, they can threaten and insult me all they want.

But no one.

And I mean no one.

Insults the people I care about.

And yes I had already started to care about Julia at that time, I mean she’s perfect, like I already told you.

As we walked away from the office I felt Julia giving my hand a squeeze.

Apparently I was still holding it.

She seemed more determined than I had ever seen her before.

And beneath that I could see... rage?

Understandable of course, I don’t think any woman would appreciate being called "dirty".