Lilith: Origin of Succubi

Content Warning:

Spoiler

Suicide, ideation of suicide, and dysphoria.

For those of you not interested in reading this chapter, there will be a short summary of it at the beginning of the next chapter.

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My eyes opened and it took a moment for me to understand what I was looking at. A blank white ceiling. I felt my body move, but I wasn't in control of it. Like a scripted play, my body moved on its own, though I felt each sensation as it was happening. If this was a memory, it was something far more lucid than I had ever experienced before.

My body ached and I was exhausted. I rubbed at my eyes and my hands felt odd. I slid up to the edge of the bed, and my body sighed of its own volition. Not everything has come back yet. My mind was rapidly wandering through a variety of thoughts, but they didn't make much sense to me. When my body finally pulled itself to its feet, I felt strange. Wrongly proportioned and gangly. Just wrong altogether.

I shambled into the bathroom and clicked on the light by the door. The first reaction I had was disgust at the way I looked. My reflection stood in front of me, a tall pale man with broad shoulders and long black hair. I had deep bags under my eyes, making it seem like I never got much sleep. I believed it, if the way I felt was anything to go by. I rubbed at my eyes again and pulled my long hair out of my face. I hadn't been a particularly masculine person, but I still felt disgusted by the way I looked despite the ways I've tried to minimize it. The dark black body hair on my arms and legs stood out against my pale skin, making it all that much more noticeable. I considered shaving it off again, but it was so much of a hassle to keep up with all the time, and it only helped a little. The hair grew back so fast that I had to touch it up every single day. I used an epilator for a while, but as effective as it was, it was a literal pain to use. I've never been able to work up the courage to try using a home laser kit. I was starting to become apathetic about the way I looked anyway. I always felt gross, and removing some hair wouldn't make me feel that much better.

My memory was coming back in bits and pieces. I was starting to get confused as I was caught up in the moment, reliving it as if I was having these thoughts for the first time. I could step back from it when I realized what was happening, but it felt natural to let myself follow along for the ride.

Turning away from the mirror, I began to take a shower. This bathroom was nice, it looked expensive. I must have been well off. I had picked the stone myself when I had it renovated. I remember my sister getting irritated that I spent so long picking out different kinds of similar slate grey rock. My lips twitched up in a smile, but the memory passed before I could immerse myself in it. I would see her for breakfast before she left on her trip.

I spent some time washing myself and considered jacking off in the shower. The arousal wasn't far away, but I didn't want to spend too much time in the bathroom. I didn't really feel like it today. I felt numb... out of it. I spent time washing my hair and shaving my face. I looked back down at my long wiry leg hair and considered shaving it again... but no. Not today.

Heading back to my room, I got dressed in my business casual outfit since I planned to go on site today. Someone might think something is wrong if I go there in something different. Going there on the weekend is already a bit strange for me. I put on the fancy cufflinks that were a gift from my sister after I completed my first project. They're sentimental to me, and the only reason I started wearing cufflinks in the first place. 'Your wrists are too bony for a watch,' she had told me. The thought made me smile.

I walked into the dining area where Ashley was already making breakfast. Bacon and eggs, something simple before she drove out of state. She always did a full media blackout on trips like this, so she probably wouldn't know for a few days...

"You look pretty dressed up for a weekend. What's on the agenda today, Liam?" Ashley asked.

When she turned around, the part of me that was still Lilith would have gasped in surprise if I had been in control of my body. Fortuna. She was my sister. My eyes looked over her outfit. She was dressed down for her trip. I'd like to think she would change into something nicer for the actual tournament, but I knew she probably wouldn't. She looked older than Fortuna did, and slightly less cute in appearance. She was middle-aged. A bit younger than me, but still very pretty. Fortuna the goddess looked much younger, barely an adult compared to this version of her.

"Just visiting the site today. I wanted to do an inspection while there aren't many people around to make sure things are going to plan. I've worked with this contractor before, and I want to make sure the building is up to spec. I've caught them being lazy before," I lied.

Ashley sighed. "Why don't you just get them to change contractors if they do shoddy work? Don't you have someone else to do all this junk for you? You're an architect, not a construction foreman."

I shrugged. "Peace of mind. I like to have a bit of a hands-on touch when my work is involved. It's why I always make sure to get it written into my contract that I can visit the site while construction is going on."

"You're so particular about the weirdest stuff," Ashley said with a laugh. "You got a letter from the bank. I stuck it on that Knights Templar book you have on the coffee table.

"Thanks. I'll look at it later."

Ashley handed me a plate before grabbing some salsa from the fridge. She joined me at the table, and we began to eat our breakfast together. The two of us tried to make time to eat together any time we could.

"Are you excited for your chess tournament?" I asked.

Ashley grinned. "More excited for the trip to Vegas than the actual tournament, if I'm being honest."

"You're not going to risk all your money at the blackjack tables this time, are you?" I asked with a smile.

"I'll stick to poker this time. I got a warning for counting cards last time I was there. They'll leave me alone if I avoid the blackjack tables," she said between bites.

"You were counting cards?" I asked dryly.

Ashley laughed. "I can't help it. I probably never should have learned how to do it. It's not as fun when they threaten to ban you from the property if you don't stop playing blackjack. I'm just glad I convinced them I 'forgot' my driver's license. I heard they sometimes ban card counters from all their properties when they put you in their database."

I laughed and took another bite of my eggs. "You're incorrigible."

"I'm just having fun," Ashley said with a smile.

There was a lull in the conversation before she looked back up from her plate. The levity from the prior conversation was gone and she had a serious look on her face. "Did you look for a new therapist like I asked you to, Liam?"

I picked at my food, trying to think of how best to say it, but just decided I would keep it simple. "No."

"Liam... I love you, but you look like shit right now. You were making such great progress for a while, but then you just stopped. Is there anything I can do that would help? I could drive you and wait in the lobby while you're in there. I don't think they would let me sit in on a normal session, but maybe we could do a group therapy thing together."

"None of it helps," I said coldly.

"Liam. You haven't been okay for a while. You look like you're barely sleeping. I know I'm being a nag about it, but you've been getting worse lately. I just want you to be okay," she said.

I stared down at my half-eaten breakfast. "All they can do is put me on drugs for the rest of my life, and that's not- that's not enough."

"I mean, they have the surgeries too. If it's about—"

"It's not about that, Ashley! I don't... I don't want that. It's not good enough. It'll never be enough for me. If I could snap my fingers and make my body feel right, I would do it, but I don't want all of that! I can't even get myself to shave my legs regularly for god's sake!" Tears dripped onto the remains of my breakfast, and I quickly wiped them away before digging back into my food before I completely lost my appetite.

"Liam, I think you would feel better if you at least tried. Maybe it would help more than you think. You should at least talk to someone about this... Someone better at talking about this stuff than I am. I love you, more than anyone. I'll support you no matter what you end up wanting to do, but I can't stand to see you spiral like this. I just want you to be okay."

I felt sick to my stomach. I slammed my fork down on the table. "I don't want to deal with it again! It just made things worse for me!"

There was a long pause, and my irritation turned into mortification for my outburst. I was sniffling now and I had to take a moment to recompose myself. Ashley continued before I could completely recover and change the subject away from this awful conversation.

"If you want to go shopping for some stuff, we could go together once I'm back from my trip. If we're together, you won't need to worry about anyone giving you strange looks. I'll just say I'm helping you pick something out for a girlfriend..."

I sighed heavily and ran my fingers through my hair. "Ashley... If you still insist on it, I'll look into a new therapist when you get back from your trip. Are you going off the radar again?"

"I'll hold you to that, Liam. I just want you to be happy... I know that you didn't get dealt a very good hand, but I'll do anything I can to help." Ashley sighed and rubbed the side of her nose. "And yeah, I'll have the phone off for about three days. I'll call you if anything happens, but I need to stay focused for the tournament. A little detox from social media isn't a bad thing either. I left the number of the hotel I'm staying at on the fridge with my room number if there's an emergency."

"Alright, I—" Before I could continue, her phone alarm went off.

"Fuck, sorry. I need to get going soon. I didn't mean for that conversation to go that long... Come give me a hug," she said as she stood up.

I got up and hugged her. She felt so warm... I felt the guilt rising in my gut.

"I love you, Ashley. I'm sorry I'm such a mess," I whispered.

She squeezed me a bit tighter. "I'd love you no matter what, I promise. I'd do anything for you, big sis." The words made my stomach flutter for a moment, but then it dropped like a rock.

"Good luck in Vegas," I murmured.

Ashley pulled away from me with a big smile. "Thanks, Liam. I don't need luck though. I'm miss lady luck herself! I'm gonna cream those guys at the card table." 𝕗𝗿𝕖𝐞𝐰𝗲𝕓𝐧𝕠𝕧𝗲𝐥.𝚌𝐨𝚖

I chuckled. "I meant in the chess tournament, you dork. Don't go losing all your money."

"You worry too much. I'll be fine!" Ashley pulled me down to her height and kissed the top of my forehead. "Feel better, Liam."

"I'll try," I replied.

"Do or do not, there is no try," she said in a silly voice.

"Okay, enough quoting movies at me. I thought you needed to leave," I said with a smile.

Her smile faltered a bit. "You sure you don't want to come with me to Vegas? It could be fun. The two of us could get into all sorts of trouble together."

I smiled at her sadly. "Sorry, I don't want to go to Vegas right now. Maybe next time."

Ashley sighed. "Alright. Next time then! I'm gonna hold you to that!"

I chuckled. "I didn't make any promises."

"Nope, too late! It's settled," Ashley said with a wink. She picked up her purse and turned off her phone before slipping it into her bag. "I'll see you in a few days. I'll call you early if I win, but I wouldn't count on it."

My sister finally left the house and began driving away. I frowned, my mood plummeting the moment she left. It was stark. I had been so uncomfortable for most of that conversation, but I missed her the moment she left.

I walked over to the table and picked up the letter from the bank. Legal confirmation that my will has gone through. I made sure to do it in person so it couldn't be argued later. I pulled up my phone and printed out my note before grabbing it from my office and leaving it on the same book for her to find later. She will never forgive me for this.

Tears ran down my face as I imagined what she would say when she heard the news. Hopefully she'll have won her chess tournament by then. Maybe she'll enjoy her time in Vegas and won't hear about it until she comes back.

I picked up my keys and locked the door behind me. The construction company was going to hate me for this too. I stopped at a liquor store and picked up a fifth of vodka. I just asked for the most expensive one, didn't even look at the label when I stuck it in my bag. The building I designed had most of the structural stuff laid already. Thirty floors, not the tallest building downtown, but still pretty big.

After a short conversation with the security guard, I was let through and made my way to the top floor of the building. No one would be here for a while on the weekend, so no one would bother me. I opened the bottle of vodka, sat down on a folding chair, and began to drink. Straight vodka wasn't my favorite, but I didn't care about that right now. I looked over the skyline at the mountains and let the anxiety percolate in my gut.

I'm so tired.

I don't feel right in my body, and I don't want to be on drugs for the rest of my life. I don't want to play dress up with my sister. I don't want to keep pretending to be me. Pretending to be okay... not that anyone believes it anymore.

I took another long draught of the warm vodka. I already felt drunk. I felt sick to my stomach. I idly wondered if people would remember me once this building was built. Would people talk about this moment long after I'm gone?

I set the empty bottle down next to the cheap folding chair and wobbled toward the edge. I've been thinking about this for a long time. Working up the courage, even though I'm a coward. Broken. Wrong.

I stepped off the edge and fell.