Illusion Report

Friends, grandmas, aliens, I’m not even sure if this counts as a leave of absence note anymore.

Hey now, Grandma, put the shoe down. Give me a chance to explain before you decide to swat me like a cockroach.

I was supposed to fly out yesterday. I woke up to see the weather in Shanghai was clear and sunny, which put me in a great mood. I jauntily made my way to Pudong International Airport, thinking I could find a quiet corner and sneak in some writing while waiting to board. I had it all planned out; I was even willing to pay for lounge access just to work on the update.

After all the hassle of getting there, I pulled out my phone and took a look. And—hey, guess what? The flight was canceled.

Apparently, there was an orange alert for thunderstorms in Guangdong, which really goes to show how eager it was to welcome me home.

But I couldn’t just become Sang Haining over this; I still had to leave. So, I immediately applied to change my flight, which took a whole two hours of waiting. During that time, I was constantly on the phone, checking flight info... Two hours later, I successfully rebooked a flight for 9:30 that night—but it was departing from Hongqiao International Airport.

Fine. Off to Hongqiao.

The ride-share drivers in Shanghai are probably building a shrine to me.

When I got to Hongqiao International Airport, I took one look at the flight information screen and saw a new line of text. Right above "Scheduled departure: 21:35" was a new line that read, "Estimated departure: 23:35." I mean, are you kidding me? Are we holding a contest to see who knows more synonyms here? I already had a bad feeling. After all, the thunderstorm in Guangdong treats all flights equally. What was I supposed to do? I couldn’t just sit at the airport waiting to see when it would actually leave. ’I’ll just book a hotel,’ I thought.

’It’s not like I’m staying overnight, so the cheapest one will do. I might be gone in a few hours anyway,’ I thought naively.

So, I dragged my luggage, hailed a cab, and got dropped off in a place that looked less like Shanghai and more like some backwater county town. It was super close to the airport—so close that giant planes ROARED right over my head, practically scraping my scalp and nearly blowing my toupee off (from writing so intensely that I started going bald at 18). Since I was there, I snapped a few pictures of the planes. Can’t let the trip be a total waste.

I checked in, took one look at the room, and immediately went back out. Where was I going? To buy disposable toilet seat covers. The toilet seat was yellowed like a pot of old marinade, clearly steeped in years and years of stale piss.

Right. This is what you get for over three hundred a night at the cheapest hotel. I was definitely in Shanghai.

And hey, guess what happened next? My little comment about not staying overnight? The heavens must have heard me. The second flight was delayed... until five in the morning.

Not even an owl can stay up like this!!!

I rebooked my flight for a second time, changing it to eleven this morning.

Next, I stood in that hotel room, clutching my bag, feeling like a prisoner in a besieged city. It finally dawned on me that I was really spending the night here. ’If I’d known this would happen, why didn’t I book a nicer place? The universe is out to get me.’ I latched the door chain (something I never do), then pulled back the comforter to inspect the sheets. They were okay, at least. They looked white.

It was evening by this point. I was physically and mentally drained without having written a single word. I reached down and felt the mattress.

...Where was the mattress?

’What were these things, poking me one by one? Were the springs forged from diamond? Don’t springs usually have padding on them? So where was the padding?? I could practically take the pulse of each spring through the damn sheet! WHERE THE HELL WAS THE PADDING?!?!?!’

I was honestly on the verge of tears. You’ll never guess how I managed to sleep that night. I took the comforter, spread it out flat, and used it as a mattress pad. Lying on it felt exactly like lying on a paved sidewalk.

I pulled out a section of it from the side and wrapped it over myself, essentially turning myself into a human sandwich. That way, I had both a mattress pad and a blanket. Two birds with one stone. Only then could I try to sleep...

I was so exhausted, having only managed to write about three hundred words, that I closed my eyes a little after nine o’clock. Falling asleep that early, it turns out, is a great sign of disrespect to your hotel neighbors.

And so, a little after ten, I heard it. You might think you know all the possible sounds one can hear in a hotel. You would be wrong.

I heard a pair of high heels CLACK-CLACK-CLACKING up and down the hallway. It sounded like they did at least twenty laps (there was no carpet). Then a door SLAMMED shut. Next, someone started moving furniture.

’How are you even moving the furniture? The desks and beds in a hotel are fucking bolted to the floor! What in the world is that heavy piece of furniture you’re dragging around?!’ 𝒻𝘳ℯℯ𝑤ℯ𝒷𝘯ℴ𝓋ℯ𝘭.𝑐ℴ𝑚

’And why did you have to do it for a full half-hour?! Are you redecorating the place?!’

’Who ARE the people staying here?!’

Anyway, to make a long story short, I somehow survived the night. Once I post this explanation, I have to pack up all my stuff and head to the airport again. I’m exhausted, weary, and I’m pretty sure I stink (I didn’t dare shower in that place)... I’m estimated to land a little after 2 PM. If the flight is actually on time, maybe, just maybe, there’ll be an update tonight. If it gets delayed again, I’m going to jump into the Huangpu River.

After all the trouble I’ve been through on this trip to Shanghai, you’d think it would all be over once I get home, right?

Wrong. I didn’t even finish what I came here to do. I have to come back again on the 8th, right after the holiday.

Just great. I’m just here to build character and get some life experience, I guess.