The Butterfly Effect: I Refuse This Ending

The silence after the fine stretched for a moment and then Elysia broke it.

You worked in animation.

"For three years," June said. "At a studio that had opinions about overtime that I disagreed with strongly and consistently."

What is animation?

June looked at the face in the mirror, searching for a simpler way to explain it.

"Drawing," she said finally. "Stories made of images that move."

You drew things for a living.

"I drew things for a living and was paid less than I deserved for it and worked longer hours than anyone should and did it anyway because I was twenty two and believed in what I was making." June looked at Elysia’s hands."I’m not sure I still believe in it the same way. But that’s a problem for me once I’m back in my own body."

How old are you.

"Twenty five. You said nineteen."

Yes.

"What do you do," June said. "With your time. In your life."

....

I study, Elysia said. Magic theory, political history, the governance structures of the three major empires. I train. I attend the social functions my family requires. I say what I’m supposed to say. I leave as soon as I’m allowed.

"That sounds exhausting."

"It is the life I have," Elysia said simply.

June heard what was underneath the tone anyway.

"Do you have people," she said. "Friends. People you actually want to spend time with."

Elysia did not answer immediately.

I have people who find me useful, Elysia said. And people who find me intimidating. The overlap between those two groups is small.

"That is not what I asked."

I know what you asked.

June looked at the mirror and waited.

No, Elysia said finally. Not really. There was someone once but that was a long time ago and it did not end in a way that made either of us inclined to repeat the experience.

"I am sorry," June said.

I did not say it to receive sympathy.

"I know. I said it because it deserved to be said."

Another pause. Shorter this time.

You, Elysia said. You have people.

"I have Ren," June said. "And a few people from the studio I still talk to. But mostly Ren."

How long have you known him?

"Since university. We ended up in the same program and then we ended up at the same studio and then we ended up being the only two people in each other’s lives who understood what the other one was going through without having to explain it." June paused. "He is not good at asking for help. He is not good at admitting when something is hard. He just keeps moving and expects the people around him to understand that the moving is what he has instead of talking about it."

And you understand that.

"I have spent six years understanding that," June said. "It is not always easy."

But you stay.

"Of course I stay."

The mirror looked back at her. Elysia’s face, composed and still.

June, Elysia said.

"Yes."

I can hear your thoughts, Elysia said. I told you that already. I have been hearing them since before you woke up properly. Since before you were fully conscious.

June looked at the mirror.

"Alright," she said.

So I know, Elysia said. About Ren. I know more than what you have told me.

June did not say anything.

The way you thought about him when you first realized what had happened, Elysia said. The first thing you thought was not where am I or what happened to me. The first thing you thought was Ren had been standing right beside me.

"He was standing right beside me," June said. "It was relevant."

It was the first thing, Elysia said. Before the ceiling. Before the room. Before the face in the mirror. Before any of it.

June looked at Elysia’s hands resting at her sides.

"People think about the people they are worried about," she said. "That is not unusual."

June.

"What."

"I can hear everything," Elysia said. Not just the surface of it. The things underneath the surface. The things you have been keeping in a particular part of your brain for what sounds like a very long time.

June looked at the mirror for a long moment.

She was quiet.

You do not have to confirm it, Elysia said. I am not asking you to confirm it. I am just telling you that I know, because you are living inside my head and I am living inside yours and pretending otherwise seems like it is going to make an already complicated situation more complicated.

June looked at Elysia’s grey eyes in the mirror.

"Six years," she said finally.

Six years, Elysia said.

"He does not know," June said. "And I have not told him and I am not going to tell him because he has enough to carry without adding that to it, and also because whatever I feel about it is my business and I have gotten very good at keeping it where it belongs."

In that part of your brain.

"In that part of my brain," June agreed. "Where I keep things I cannot act on."

A long pause.

That must be a very full part of your brain, Elysia said.

June almost laughed.

"It has its moments," she said.

Elysia was quiet for a moment before speaking again.

"He sounds like someone worth knowing."

"He is," June said. "He is difficult and he does not ask for help and he works too hard and he has been alone for longer than anyone should be alone. But he is worth knowing."

I hope he is alright, Elysia said.

June looked at Elysia’s face in the mirror for a long moment.

"So do I," she said.

***

June woke up again.

Same ceiling. Same room. Same light coming through the window at the angle that meant it was morning, or close enough to morning that the difference did not matter.

She lay still for a moment while memory caught up.

Then she tried to sit up.

Nothing happened.

She tried again.

Still nothing.

Not paralysis she could feel everything. The weight of the blanket. The texture of the pillow. The slight stiffness in the shoulders from however she had been lying. Everything present and registering correctly.

She just could not move any of it.

Good morning, Elysia said.

June went very still inside herself, which was the only kind of still available to her at the moment.

"Elysia."

Yes.

"Are you..."

In control, Elysia said. Yes. I woke up before you did and I found that things were different this morning. The body responded to me rather than to you. A pause. I wanted to tell you before I moved so you were not alarmed.

"That was considerate," June said, from somewhere that was entirely interior. "How does it feel."

Strange, Elysia said. It is my body and it has always been my body and it still feels strange because for hours it was not entirely mine. Another pause. I am going to sit up now.

"Alright," June said.

Elysia sat up.

June felt all of it without controlling any of it. She could feel the movement. She could feel the blanket falling away and the cool air of the room against the skin of her arms and the particular quality of morning light that came through that specific window at that specific angle.

She just was not the one doing it.

Elysia stood. Walked to the mirror.

June looked at the face in the mirror from the inside of it this time, from the passenger seat, and it was a different experience from looking at it from the position she had occupied before when she had been the one moving the face and Elysia had been the voice in the background.

Elysia looked at herself for a long moment.

It is strange, Elysia said again. Seeing my own face and knowing someone else is also seeing it.

"I know," June said. "I have been doing it for several days from the other direction."

Does it get less strange?

"Not noticeably," June said. "But you stop flinching every time."

Elysia looked at her reflection for another moment. Then she turned away from the mirror and crossed the room to the window and looked out at the grounds below.

June looked with her.

The grounds were well-maintained and large and there were people moving through them at a distance, staff, guards, figures she could not identify from this height. Beyond the grounds there were trees, and beyond the trees there was a sky that was still doing the wrong shade of blue.

This is my home, Elysia said. Not to June specifically. More to herself. To the fact of it.

"Tell me about it," June said. "If you want. We have time and I cannot go anywhere."

Elysia was quiet for a moment.

Then she started talking.

Elysia sounded different when she talked about home.

....

It was getting harder to ignore.

But she said it anyway.

June, Elysia said, pausing mid-sentence about something to do with the eastern garden.

"Yes."

We are going to figure this out.

June looked at the grounds through Elysia’s eyes.

"I know," she said.

She didn’t say anything back.