I Want to Be a VTuber

Aaquarium and Sea (1)

"Is it really true that there's no issue?"

"Yes, ma'am. Seoyeon is fine. In fact, she has a very strong mind."

"That's a relief."

A few days after the first filming, my mom took me to a psychiatrist. Officially, it was for stress management, but I could guess the real reason.

'It must be because of what she heard last time.'

It was probably related to what actress Kim Mi-yeon had said during the previous CF shoot, along with what actress Jeong Eun-seon had said recently. Director Gong Jung-tae and my mom must have discussed something with Jeong Eun-seon, leading to this visit.

'It's likely about emotional acting.'

Holding my mom's hand, I looked at my reflection in the window. A cute girl's face stared back at me. This was me, almost seven years old.

'Actress Jeong Eun-seon doesn't like my acting.'

It's not that she dislikes me personally. She probably believes in the saying that 'children should be children.' She likely thinks:

'Children should avoid deep emotional acting until they are mature enough.'

And she’s not wrong. As a child actor, there’s no need to delve into deep emotional acting. Even just riding the surface of emotions is more than enough. I'm not naive.

I understand how people perceive my acting. I’m sure Jeong Eun-seon thought my acting was precarious. But I never considered what I was doing as acting.

For me, it was a reflection of my past life. It’s related to my previous life's condition:

Alexithymia.

It’s a condition where a person cannot identify or describe their own emotions or the emotions of others. It's different from conditions like sociopathy or psychopathy. In my past life, my strained relationship with my parents and my long period of unemployment were due to this.

So, I was forced to act normal from a young age. I had to learn to laugh when happy, and cry when sad, just like any normal person. It involved mimicking emotions.

To achieve this, I consumed a lot of media: movies, dramas, books, web novels, and games—anything that clearly depicted human emotions. I lived for a long time just trying to blend in with the crowd.

But I consider myself lucky. Many people with my condition find even this impossible. My case was unique, as even the doctors said.

"Mom, I got a job."

I could finally say that with a smile. I could express emotions just like anyone else.

"You see, you did it."

My mom hugged me, smiling. But even then, I couldn't understand that emotion.

My mimicry of emotions is not acting.

Mimicking emotions can feel off-putting, often falling into what's called the 'uncanny valley,' making people feel uncomfortable. However, I had subtly crossed that line, reaching an almost genuine level of fake emotions. I lived in a gray, ash-colored world.

That world changed when I discovered a VTuber's broadcast.

At first, I couldn't understand why people liked it. But the VTuber's actions made people happy, earning praise and adoration.

Maybe that's when it started. Although I couldn't watch it regularly due to work, I watched whenever I could. In the world of VTubers, emotions are portrayed through 3D models or drawn avatars.

If I could do that, perhaps I could appear normal, too.

"Joo Seoyeon."

A grumpy-looking girl stood in front of me.

"What are you doing here alone? Hurry up and follow me."

Lee Ji-yeon crossed her arms and spoke in a very cocky manner. Sometimes I wonder if she's really six years old.

"I'm coming."

"Humph."

Ji-yeon looked me up and down, then gazed at the giant aquarium behind me.

"Are you waiting for the beluga?"

I glanced back at the enormous tank. Today, we were at an aquarium for a kindergarten field trip. The sight of numerous fish swimming in the massive tank was quite a spectacle.

"So, why are you here?"

"I came to find a lost child. You, to be precise."

‘She got lost.’

Soon, there would probably be an announcement looking for lost children, including me.

"Don't laugh! I'm serious!"

I chuckled at Ji-yeon's words and turned back to the aquarium. Laughing—a simple act, but very unfamiliar to me.

Honestly, I hadn't realized how different I was until recently. I viewed myself as a detached observer, seeing my new life without deep thought, much like in my previous life. I never tried to adapt.

It was during the beginning of my acting that I started to become aware.

This body feels emotions properly. It’s healthy and without any disorders. In that sense, it's an invincible TS body.

But this means emotions are unfamiliar to me.

When I try to be conscious of them, I can't express them. I don't want to show a contrived version of myself, creating a paradox.

Actress Kim Mi-yeon and Jeong Eun-seon must have noticed this emotional dissonance. Both are skilled in emotional acting.

Especially Jeong Eun-seon, who is regarded as one of the top method actors in South Korea. They must have sensed that my emotional state was unstable.

Emotions are unfamiliar and facing them is scary. My acting is close to replicating my past life experiences. With decades of accumulated experience, it’s only natural that my acting seems advanced for my age.

If 100 is a perfect emotion, I can replicate about 95-98. So to others, it appears nearly perfect.

But it’s not 100.

And as a child actor, the bar is set low. Exceeding those expectations makes people marvel. But.

‘Adult actors are different.’

Everyone praised me, but I knew better.

Particularly when compared to actresses like Kim Mi-yeon and Jeong Eun-seon, there was no comparison. They were at a 120 or higher level, performing beyond expectations.

If I continue like this, even if I reach near perfection, it won’t be enough as expectations grow with age.

My unchanging acting will eventually stagnate.

“...it’s like an aquarium.”

“What is?”

“My acting.”

I looked around, seeing the beautiful aquarium scenery. A world imitating the sea. This imitation can awe people and move their emotions. But it will always lack compared to the real ocean.

That’s what I meant.

"What are you talking about?"

Ji-yeon spoke with a distinctly sassy attitude. I didn’t expect much from a six-year-old. I smirked and crossed my arms.

“Kids have it easy.”

“Same goes for you.”

“...”

I couldn’t find a retort to Ji-yeon’s comeback. Responding felt like losing.

‘Anyway.’

I turned my gaze behind me. The beluga, which had been hiding, had finally appeared, approaching me. It was a star attraction at the aquarium.

I reached out towards the beluga, and it pressed its nose against the glass.

‘I need to adapt.’

Seeing my worried mother after the hospital visit made me rethink. I failed in my past life, but I didn’t want to repeat that. My past experiences remained in my soul. This was a unique strength no other actor had.

‘And for the sake of my ideal role-playing!’

Even my favorite VTuber always said, do everything with sincerity!

Until now, my goal had been to become a VTuber. Creating the virtual ‘me’ that I had always longed for.

This still remained a significant aspiration, like a lasting scar. But.

There’s no reason I can’t be genuine in multiple pursuits.

“Lee Ji-yeon.”

“What?”

With the blue light of the aquarium casting a glow, I smiled confidently.

“I’m going to be an actress.”

A beloved and acclaimed actress.

***

Gong Jung-tae was troubled. Listening to Jeong Eun-seon had made him rethink how to guide Seoyeon.

‘But it might just be her concern?’

There aren’t many child actors who are as refined as Jeong Eun-seon expects. How many can differentiate between emotional acting and surface acting?

Moreover, Seoyeon had never struggled with her acting so far. So, it should be okay...

“...saying that makes me sound awful.”

“Huh?”

“...!!”

Gong Jung-tae flinched, turning to see Seoyeon, now changed into her costume, standing quietly.

“Ah, Seoyeon, is everything okay?”

“Yes. Hello, Director.”

Seoyeon greeted him with her usual cute bow. Her greetings always brought smiles to the staff.

‘Let’s not push too hard. Take it easy, take it easy.’

With this in mind, he nodded, trying to ease his complex emotions.

“There’s no need to worry about my acting.”

“...!”

Seoyeon suddenly said.

‘She heard it!’

Flustered, he tried to think of what to say, but Seoyeon bowed again and left. Her steps seemed more lively than usual.

“...huh?”

Watching her leave, Gong Jung-tae tilted his head. For some reason, Seoyeon seemed different.