Marvel: A Lazy-Ass Superman

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Before long, the call connected, and a gentle, clear female voice came through.

"This is Mr. Tony Stark’s private line. May I ask who’s calling?"

"This is Henry Brown. Please put me through to Mr. Stark. Just tell him I’ve got something interesting here and need his help dealing with it."

"Please hold."

The call switched to hold music. Not long after, it connected again. From the background noise, it sounded like the other end was in the middle of a lively party.

"If this thing isn’t interesting, I’m flying to Los Angeles tomorrow and kicking your ass!" Tony Stark snarled over the phone. "That’s your punishment for interrupting my flirting."

"I’ve got two aliens here," Henry said calmly. "One dead, one alive. Interested?"

"E.T.? I’ve got a full-scale model at home—picked it up from Amblin, probably used in the movie. You and I both know what that thing is. Wash your ass clean tomorrow. Don’t dirty my shoes."

Henry chuckled.

"Not that kind of prop—real, living aliens. Well, one’s had its brains splattered pretty badly and is dead.

"I know Stark Industries doesn’t do biotech. But what about those organizations your uncles and aunts are involved with—interested? If not, I’ll just call the cops.

"Let the state police haul the aliens away. Bury them, or put them in a museum for display—I don’t care. What do you think?"

"Fuck!" Tony cursed, then asked sharply, "Where are you?"

"Uh, roughly on Louisiana State Highway 165, near the Arkansas border."

"Stay put."

Tony Stark hung up without ceremony.

Henry didn’t feel the least bit offended. If anything, Tony’s increasingly arrogant personality was starting to resemble the future Iron Man more and more. Whether that was a good thing or a bad thing, Henry couldn’t quite tell.

Barbara, however, stared at Henry in astonishment.

"You can just contact Tony Stark directly?"

"Haha. I’m the CEO of Stark Pictures, you know. Talking to the big boss isn’t a big deal. Being able to order him around—that’s real skill."

Looking at the smug grin on his face, Barbara suddenly didn’t know whether she should flatter him a bit or roast him mercilessly.

Before she could decide, the satellite phone in Henry’s hand rang again.

Since he’d just made a call, it obviously wasn’t a scam. Henry answered immediately, only to hear a low, aged voice on the other end.

"Henry Brown?"

"Yes. Speaking. May I ask who this is?"

"You don’t need to know. Remember what I say next: stay where you are. Don’t move. A helicopter will arrive shortly to pick you up.

"All of you—humans, aliens, and the alien corpse—will be taken back to base together. Understood?"

The authority in that voice compelled obedience almost instinctively. Even Henry wasn’t immune.

"Yes, sir. But what about the vehicle we drove here?"

"Leave it. Someone will retrieve it."

"Understood."

The other party ended the call without another word.

Barbara asked, "So we’re not taking the car?" 𝚏𝗿𝗲𝐞𝐰𝚎𝕓𝐧𝚘𝘃𝗲𝐥.𝐜𝚘𝕞

"They said a helicopter’s coming to pick us up," Henry replied.

"There’s a base nearby?"

Henry gave a fake smile.

"Isn’t that the kind of question you shouldn’t be asking a regular civilian like me?"

Pouting, Barbara muttered, "Fair point."

At that moment, the agent being held at gunpoint spoke up.

"You two, I think there’s been a misunderstanding."

Henry had already decided he didn’t want to waste any more words on these people.

He didn’t care how others talked—soft words, hard words, bullshit, or insults. In the end, they were all just air vibrations, a physical phenomenon.

Only someone deeply insecure and overly sensitive would be hurt by such weak sounds.

But what Henry could not tolerate was having his bottom line challenged again and again—especially by people who acted one way to his face and another behind his back.

The Skrulls’ self-proclaimed cleverness had completely exhausted his patience.

Barbara, however, didn’t share Henry’s sense of disillusionment. On one hand, she hadn’t been the primary target. On the other, she was still unsure of the agent’s true identity.

So she asked, "What misunderstanding are you talking about?"

"General Talos sent us to make sure the two of you truly left and wouldn’t interfere with our next operation. But you didn’t even ask—you just killed one of our companions outright. Is that how allies behave?"

"Damn it, you really are a Skrull!"

Barbara didn’t even bother considering his accusation. She raised her gun higher, almost pressing the muzzle against his forehead.

Henry, on the other hand, laughed derisively.

"Only liars worry all the time about being deceived. I can’t even be bothered to ask what other lies you’ve told. You can explain yourself later. Don’t bother trying to convince me."

People often say the most effective lies aren’t outright falsehoods, nor the classic nine truths and one lie.

They’re all truths—just with certain facts deliberately omitted, letting the listener fill in the blanks.

General Talos had done exactly that when persuading Carol Danvers. This guy was no different.

At the same time, Henry noticed a military helicopter approaching in the distance.

It was a UH-60—the U.S. military’s famous Black Hawk. As a medium utility and attack helicopter, the Black Hawk was commonly used for tactical personnel transport. Using it to pick them up was no problem at all.

But using a helicopter to transport a full-grown tiger—would that really work?

Henry glanced at Kitty beside him, his thoughts drifting.

The biggest issue with helicopters was noise.

To achieve hovering and vertical takeoff and landing, a helicopter’s engine powered the main rotor above. That rotor not only controlled movement but also generated lift.

By contrast, in fixed-wing aircraft, lift was provided by the wings, while the propellers only supplied forward thrust. The difference in engine output was enormous—and so was the noise.

Animals were already uneasy in unfamiliar environments. Add deafening noise to the mix, and it was practically guaranteed to make them irritable and aggressive.

So... should he use Kitty as an excuse to ditch all these troublesome people and complications?

Looking at the clear, foolish gaze beside him, Henry somehow saw a trace of gentle innocence in it. He couldn’t help but laugh.

Yeah—this tiger was definitely spoiled beyond saving.

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